


Forget You || Phan

by HelloAnonymousWriter



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Amnesia, Cheating, M/M, Trauma?, inner turmoil, small mentions of violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-17
Updated: 2017-05-17
Packaged: 2018-11-01 20:00:25
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 25
Words: 35,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10929021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HelloAnonymousWriter/pseuds/HelloAnonymousWriter
Summary: Phil has lost all his memories and is starting afresh.New home.New friends.New job.New life.However, first day of his new job he meets his co-worker Dan Howell who seems to recognise him from his past and it isn't a good reaction - leaving Phil to ponder what was so bad that he did. Find out what happens to Dan and Phil in 'Forget You'I hope you guys like it.~HelloAnonymousWriter~





	1. PROLOGUE

**Author's Note:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/161592203-forget-you-phan-~-prologue-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147041779454/forget-you-prologue

BEEP.

BEEP.

BEEP.

"Mr Lester?" A voice asked in the distance. I groaned, feeling an aching all over my body and a throbbing in my head. "Mr Lester, can you hear me?" The voice asked again.

"Mr Lester? Who's Mr Lester? Who am I? Where am I? What the fuck is happening?" I thought in panic and blinked my eyes open. I flinched away from the bright white that filled my vision as a blurry room came into view and the smell of disinfectant filled my nose.

"Hello, can you hear me?" The voice asked once again, slightly less muffled than before. I frowned and blinked a few times to get used to the brightness.

"Yeah." I croaked, my voice rough and sore as it left my throat. I coughed a little and was handed a glass of water. I shakily went to take it but I just heard a chuckle. 

"You're too weak to hold this. Let me." They reassured and the glass was raised to my chapped and dry lips. "Blink twice when you want me to stop." They explained. 

Not having the strength to reply I accepted the drink and felt a small satisfaction wash over me as my dry mouth and throat was soothed by the chilling water. I blinked twice after three gulps and the glass was lifted away from my mouth. I let out a shaky sigh before turning my head slightly to see my helper.

A medium height man with short brown hair and blue eyes was staring down at me with a sympathetic gaze. "What ... happened?" I asked slowly.

"Do you not remember anything?" The man asked slowly, concern in his expression.

"No." I frowned and winced as my head began to throb again.

"You were out drunk with friends and got hit by a car. It wasn't anything serious, you sort of walked into the side of it as it was driving past so there is no sever injuries on your body although it might hurt but ... well when you fell over you hit your head very hard on the pavement and had to get ten stitches. I assume your experiencing a bit of a headache?" The man asked.

"A bit?" I asked sarcastically and winced, trying to keep still. The man chuckled.

"My name is Dr McKay. What can you tell me about yourself Phil?" He asked kindly.

"Phil?" I asked in confusion. "Who's Phil?" I asked, trying to think. All my mind came up with was a blank. The Doctor gave me a concerned expression.

"You're Phil. Phil Lester, 26 years old?" The doctor tried to encourage my memory.

"I am?" I asked in disbelief. "I ... I can't remember anything!" I said in panic and felt my body tense up at the thought of not having anything. A feeling of isolation and abandonment came over me for some reason and I started to hyperventilate.

"Mr Lester, please calm down. It's fine, we'll look through your records and see if there is anything we can do alright?" He tried to reassure and all I could do was nod dumbly.

"Try get some sleep. Maybe your memories will come back after some more rest." He advised before leaving the room.

"Who am I?" I thought, feeling lost.

"Who is Phil Lester?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	2. Chapter One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147041911499/forget-you-1  
> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/161854343-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-1-~

1 YEAR LATER

"I'M GONNA BE LATE!" I screeched as I tugged my jeans on whilst trying to put a top on.

"Jesus Phil, you don't need to let the whole of London know." Louise huffed but watched in amusement from my doorway as I did a million things at once.

"You could help." I snapped, slipping my belt on and shoving my left arm through the sleeve.

"Help you dress? No thank you." She chuckled and continued to watch me struggle and even stumble and fall as I darted around the room. "I never knew you were so good at multi tasking." Louise explained, sounding impressed.

"Louise please." I begged. "I want to make a good impression. This is the first proper job I've applied for and I got it and by miracle I have it so I need to make it on time and not screw it up!"

"Alright alright." Louise smiled and started to pack my things away in my bag as I tugged my socks on and turned my straighteners on. 

"Why didn't you wake me anyway?" I grumbled as I dragged the cheap straighteners through my black hair. 

"I heard your alarm and assumed you were up." She shrugged.

"Right." I sighed and finished taming my mane of hair. 

"You need a haircut." Louise commented, smiling fondly in my direction. I smiled back, gratefully taking he bag she had packed. 

"I know." I chuckled and brushed my fringe out my face. 

"Let's get a look at you." She sighed and stood back, studying me all over. I bit my lip - hoping I looked smart enough. She started to smooth out my collar before pulling back with a grin. "Perfect." She nodded.

"Should I wear a tie?" I asked, paranoia creeping up on me. 

"Oh for goodness sake. Toast is on the breakfast table - grab it on the way out." Louise smirked and walked out the room. I smiled - Louise was my best friend and room mate. I met her 9 months ago, 3 months after my accident. She helped me get my new life in order and we became very close.

I still can't remember all the previous things I've done in my life. When the doctor offered me my file I only looked at my age, name and birthday. I didn't want to know what my past life was like because I couldn't remember any of it and didn't want to disappoint any family that I had. 

What confused me was that I had no visitors - I wasn't sure if they'd heard about what happened but I was kind of glad no one came. That way I didn't have to disappoint anyone and I could become the new Phil Lester. I did have to check into some vital things though like my bank accounts and if I was working (neither were very pleasing to find out). I was unemployed and running off barely anything. I decided it was a good thing that I hit my head. 

I grabbed the toast off the table and took a large bite into it, downing the glass of orange juice as well. "I'll see you in 5 hours." Louise grinned. "I know you'll do great." 

"Thanks Lou." I smiled and hugged her before grabbing my keys and slipping my shoes on. 

"GOOD LUCK!" She called as I walked down the hallway and I chuckled, lifting my hand in thanks before getting in the lift. I bit my lip nervously and tapped against my leg as I waited to reach the bottom floor. I had been doing low paying jobs to help pay my half of the rent but now was my chance to work my way up. 

I was a fairly creative person and enjoyed writing so decided to try at journalism and lucky for me I checked my degrees and I had one in English which helped a lot. I was extremely nervous since it felt like my first proper job ever. Only knowing the world around me for a year I felt like an extremely intelligent one year old which Louise found funny.

I called a taxi and told them the address of the work place. Neither Louise had a car and I had no idea how to drive. Lou had her driver's licence but didn't feel the need for a car in a city where transport goes everywhere. 

As I reached the building I felt my heart thump in my chest. "Relax Phil. You're 27, not a two year old." I internally scolded and grabbed my bag, slipping out of the taxi and giving he driver his money. I swallowed but proceeded in through the front doors and up to the reception desk. 

"Um, Phil Lester." I said to the woman sitting there. She didn't look up, only continued typing on her computer. I frowned and was about to ask again when she cut me off with a sharp tone. 

"Please take a seat, the director will be with you in a moment." She still didn't look in my direction once. I scowled at her and rolled my eyes. I hoped everyone else wasn't as rude as she was. I sighed and took a seat in the waiting area, watching people come and go through the doors. 

I tried making up life stories based on their appearances to pass the time. I was halfway through thinking about the countless unsuccessful marriages of an old man with a face of thunder, when I felt a tap on my shoulder. I jumped in the seat and immediately stood up to face the man before me.

"Hello, you must be Phil?" He asked.

"Yes, that's me." I smiled awkwardly. 

"Right - I'm director Harrison, come this way and I'll show you to your office. We cover a wide range of stories and on different occasions we may send you out of the country to give reviews on major events around the world or possibly conventions etcetera. Are you following?"

"Yeah."

"For the first month of you working with us I will assign you to a partner to help you and learn the ropes. You'll accompany them on stories and take notes if you need to - it's just to get you on your feet." He explained, turning round - probably to check I understood.

"Sounds good." I replied politely.

"Okay, work starts from ten till three in the afternoon, lunch is at half twelve and you may take a break when you see fit as long as the work is done or can be completed in the time provided. Also you are welcome to stay after hours to finish stories or editing - whatever you have left to do. That should be all for now. I'll take you to Mr Howell - he's been with us for a year so he should be a good example. Just tell him I made you his partner. If he objects make him come see me or send me an email, here." He handed me a piece of paper with his email scrawled across it. 

"Ok." I frowned, "couldn't he just talk to this Mr Howell now?" I thought irritably but kept my mouth shut. 

He left me outside an office door. "Well good luck Phil." The director smiled - although it looked tired and very rehearsed - like it had been used on countless others plenty of times.

"Th-thanks." I stuttered and watched in disbelief as he just abandoned me. "Where do I work? How do I send him an email? What should I say?" I thought in panic before taking a deep breath."Shut up Phil!" I scolded. The chances of Mr Howell being a grumpy middle-aged man were fairly high so I drew in a breath and knocked timidly on the office door.

"Come in!" A muffled voice called and Phil twisted the door handle, slipping inside. He looked around to see two rows of desks filled with paper, computers, monitors, cables and writing utensils. The slightly care-free feeling environment helped me relax a little. However, the only person in the office was sitting a desk to my right, his eyes scanning over the screen.

I looked him over. He was sitting down but from what I could tell he was probably quite tall. He had peachy coloured skin and mocha coloured hair. He had a concentrated look in his coffee coloured eyes and his nose was wrinkled slightly - which could be another sign of concentration. All in all Dan looked pretty attractive and I guessed he was at least in his early 20s. 

"Um the Director sent me, are you Mr Howell?" I asked, biting my lip.

"It's Dan Howell, no need for formality." The boy chuckled, eyes still on the screen. "So, what's your name?" He asked, looking down at a notebook before scribbling something else.

"Phil Lester, nice to meet you." I replied and went to hold my hand out. Suddenly his eyes were on me, wide and piercing. It took me aback and I felt uncomfortable under his stare. I took a step backwards, retracting my hand. I also noticed a glimmer of horror cross over his face and I frowned. "What's this guy's problem?" I thought anxiously.

"Ph-phil?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	3. Chapter Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042016084/forget-you-2  
> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/162180809-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-2-~

"Ph-phil?"

"Yeah ... Phil." I replied slowly. I felt very uneasy at the way he was looking at me. "Are you okay?" I asked hesitantly. 

He frowned at me but I could see a glimmer of anger behind his expression which scared me a little. What did he want from me? 

"Am I okay?" He hissed, glaring at me. "What are you doing here?" He snapped, hate fierce behind his eyes. I swallowed nervously.

"It's my first day ..." I trailed off, eyes darting around the room. I was assessing my escape in case I needed it. 

"That's not what I mean. How could you come close to me again?" Dan spat and then I was really confused.

"Um sorry, I think you have me confused with someone else. I've never seen you before." I blurted and the look on his face made me wonder if I should have held my tongue. He was staring at me with shock, hurt and anger. He stood up and clenched his fists - shaking in anger. 

"How dare you play innocent! After all the shit you've put me through you have the audacity to show up and pretend you don't know me." His voice shook as well and it looked like I had really hurt the boy.

"Um ... I'm sorry. I really don't know what you're talking about." I whispered, not wanting him to be angry at me. 

"Fuck off! I am not being your partner, I'll see that through." Dan growled and pushed past me, slamming the door behind him. 

I let out the breath I was holding. "Should I just wait?" I thought. Dan was supposed to show me what to do so I guessed I'd wait until I got news. I took out the piece of paper with the director's email on it and decided to send one just in case it doesn't get resolved. I took my phone out and started typing a draft about how Dan didn't seem to take a liking toward me for some reason so didn't know what I had to do. 

I sat down on an office chair, tapping my fingers anxiously on the desk. This day had gone very different to how I thought it'd be. I pulled my phone out once again and started playing iPhone games to pass the time.

I was left alone for nearly ten minutes when the office door swung open and animated voices laughed and conversed. I looked up to see three people enter the room - two guys and a girl. They all looked fairly young - maybe their mid/late twenties. 

"Oh." The girl said when she noticed me. "Who are you?" She asked, cocking her head to one side.

"I'm Phil." I said politely and stood up. "It's my first day ..." I explained and realization crossed their faces. 

"Oh yeah, I remember hearing something about a new guy." She smiled and walked towards me. "Hm, you're pretty handsome." She smirked and I blushed.

"Calm down Susan. Let the poor boy breath." The boy on her left chuckled. He turned to me with a friendly smile. "I'm Jack, this is Leo and Susan. We're one of the teams in the building which cover the more exciting stuff or possibly things to do with Youth." Jack explained and flopped down into an office chair.

"Not too exciting if you ask me." Susan sighed. "We haven't been to a convention in months - all we're covering is charity and stuff going on the the youth centres." Susan huffed and sat down across from me. 

"At least it's a good cause." Leo shrugged, taking a laptop out of his shoulder bag. Leo was the tallest of the three with golden blond hair, a fair tan and bright green eyes. He was pretty hot if you liked the sort of surfer with muscle type of thing. Susan had long hair which had been dyed red and grey-blue eyes. A smirk seemed to constantly occupy her face - stretching her pale pink lips. She was quite pale and dotted in light freckles but all in all very pretty. Jack had the sort of boy-next-door look - floppy and slightly curly chestnut hair, bright blue eyes, pale complexion and a bright smile. He was probably a few inches smaller than Leo and a few above Susan. 

"Whatever." Susan yawned, stretching it the process. Something about her reminded me of a cat - the way she stretched her limbs and nearly purred, her cat-like eyes latching back onto me as she gave a mischievous grin. 

"Oh, there's one more of us as well." Jack added. "His name's Dan. He should be here so you'll meet him soon." He explained. I played with a loose piece of thread on my jean leg.

"I- um, already have." I muttered.

"Oh really? Do you know where he went?" Leo asked, switching the laptop on.

"We were supposed to be partners for the time being but when he saw me he sort of freaked out and said he'd do anything to stop that arrangement." I explained sheepishly.

All three faces frowned at me. "Why did he do that?" Jack asked in confusion.

I shrugged, "I don't know - I've never met the guy before." 

"Weird, maybe he's just grouchy this morning. He's usually a troll if he hasn't had any caffeine." Jack chuckled. 

"When you say freaked out ... freaked out how?" Susan asked curiously and I could practically see metaphorical whiskers on her face. She was looking ready to solve a mystery with a hint of mischief behind it. I don't know if it made me feel uneasy or not.

"I'm not too sure. I think he thinks we've met before and apparently I did something bad. From what I've picked up anyway." I said in confusion. Seriously was Dan insane?

"Interesting, I'm sure we'll know our answer as soon as he returns." Susan grinned. 

"For now ... since you two are off on bad terms I'll tell you what we've been doing." Jack offered.

"Thanks." I smiled gratefully and he ran me through what events they had been to a what story they were covering and were due to cover in the next few weeks. He went on to explain how they each split up to find out different sections so the work could be done quicker and more efficiently and editing was split between the four of them - five now I was there. 

As Jack started to list the interviews and who was assigned to what, the office door swung open and Dan angrily stormed into the room. "Hey Dan." Susan chirped, not bothering to be careful around Dan's thunderous aura. It seemed she wasn't afraid of confrontation.

"Hey." He muttered darkly and sent a glare in my direction, making my body stiffen in shock.

"What's wrong?" Leo asked, not looking up from his computer once.

Dan looked in my direction again, practically glaring daggers. I felt an uncomfortable shiver go down my spine. I'd like to know what I did to make this boy hate me but at the same time I was scared to learn how such a hateful expression could be directed at me. 

"Nothing." He muttered and sat down at his desk, huffing out a sigh and seemingly picking up where he left off.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	4. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/162191717-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-3-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042166044/forget-you-3

I sighed and kicked my shoes off at the door. What a weird day. 

I had ended up being taught what to do by Jack whilst he was doing work. Dan hadn't said much but Susan found out and explained to me that there was no changing partners. I wished I had been partnered with Jack because Dan acted like he really hated me. I didn't know why and I was very concerned about it.

"HEY PHILLY!" Louise called through the flat and bounded into the hallway to meet me. I grinned and hugged as she came flying at me.

"So ... how was the first day?" She grinned brightly. 

"Um ... interesting?" I replied, not knowing exactly how to class it. Her smile dropped.

"Did something go wrong? You look pale and you have sad eyes. What happened?" She asked, going all Sherlock Holmes on me. 

"Well, the actual work part was fine." I shrugged and we walked into the living room so we could chat comfortably.

"But ...?" 

"But one of co-workers doesn't like me very much ... more like hates me." I explained.

Louise frowned. "Why? It's pretty much impossible to hate you - you're a giant teddy bear." Louise smirked.

"I don't know but he looked really hurt and angry. As soon as he saw me his whole presence sort of changed into one of anger and hurt. I don't understand. The director had made us partners and I had barely gotten in a 'hello' before he started bad mouthing me and vowing to make sure we didn't get stuck together." I got more confused as I explained things out loud.

"How strange ..." She contemplated what I'd said and I knew better than to break her concentration as she thought over the possibilities. "Well ... from the information you've given me then it can't have been something you did at work. It sounds like he's met you before, have you ever seen him before?" Louise asked, sounding like a professional detective. 

"No, I've never met him." I confirmed, "If I have then I've forgotten." 

At that Louise's eyes widened and she slammed her hand against her forehead. "Of course!" She growls in frustration.

"What? Of course what?" I asked, lifting an eyebrow.

"Sometimes I forget you lost your memories. You must have known him before you lost them." Louise explained and I felt kind of stupid.

"Oh yeah ... sometimes I forget too. I guess I'm so used to living my new life now. I don't even know who my parents are or where they are. I don't want to know anything from my past ..." I gripped the sofa arm tight. I knew if I looked into the past of 'Phil Lester' I might break down. I didn't know what type of person I used to be and I was so scared to find out. 

"It's okay Phil, I know why you don't want to." Louise smiled warmly and sat closer to me, wrapping her arms round me. 

"Louise ... he looked so hurt and angry. I must have done something horrible to him." I said shakily and Louise shushed me, tightening her grip on my tense form. The thought of my past catching up with me terrified me to the bone. I was even more afraid to find out what sort of person I was.

"SH, Phil it's okay. You just need to explain that to him. He might not believe you but that's his decision and once he gets to see the real you maybe he'll calm down a little. You don't have to prove anything since you don't know what you did but just be careful what you do and say around him." Louise suggested. 

"Okay." I nodded.

"Right - well, tell me about the others and what else you did." Louise grinned - changing the subject.

~

"Today you'll be looking into the 'Children in Need' campaign which will be down in the town hall. Please get quotes or an interview with the fundraisers or Flora Lewis who is in charge. Interview some of the public whilst you're there. Dan you'll show Phil how to do an interview with the public. Susan you take Flora, Jack and Leo can talk to the fundraisers and any important persons who attend. Please make a good name for us." The director instructed and handed Leo a piece of paper which noted down pretty much all of what he had just said. "Alright good luck." and with that he was gone.

"I'll go bring the car round." Dan grumbled. As soon as he was out the door Susan came up to me.

"You must have done something pretty bad to piss him off." She chuckled.

"I don't know what I did." I protested and Susan just smirked.

"I'm just joking. I'm sure he'll come around. From yesterday I can tell you're a nice guy. He might fancy you, who knows." She winked.

"If fancying me means that he gets angry at me, I hope he gets over it." I grumbled, slinging my bag over my shoulder.

"Hm, it is a pretty childish way to go about it." She laughed - eyes sparkling. I wondered how she could be such a positive person. Maybe she had gone through a lot and come out the other side brighter. 

"Right, got everything?" Leo asked as he grabbed his laptop bag. Everyone nodded or muttered a 'yes' and with that we all left the office. 

"Nervous?" Jack asked, slinging an arm round my shoulder. I liked Jack - I still wished he was my partner because we seemed to get on well and I could even go as far as saying we might be friends - or at least close to it.

"A little." I shrugged. "Dan scares me more though." I frowned.

"He has been difficult, but I'm sure he'll snap out of it soon." Jack reassured then went to talk to Leo. He left me to my thoughts where I wondered what I might have done to hurt Dan's feelings and hate me. I must have done something pretty shit to get the reaction I got.

We exited through the front doors to see Dan tapping on the wheel as he waited for us. Jack, Susan and I jumped in the back whilst Leo got into the passenger's seat. I had established that Leo sort of the leader of the group - or at least was the wisest to consult about planning things out.

It wasn't long until we arrived at the town hall where bright balloons flew about outside the doors. There were a few people outside talking and all seemed to be in spotty or colourful clothes. A large banner hung across the outside of the second floor with the Pudsey bear smiling and large bold text with 'CHILDREN IN NEED' across it in spotty letters. 

"There's Flora." Susan grinned and took a notepad out of her bag and a pen, clicking it once. "I don't think they've started yet - let's go take a look." The five of us walked towards the woman Susan said was 'Flora' who had a colourful spotty shirt on and dark blue jeans as well as black heels. She had a tight blond bob and army green eyes behind a pair of thick-rimmed glasses. 

"Flora Lewis?" Leo asked and the woman turned round with a bright smile - showing off some pearly white teeth. 

"Yes, how can I help you?" She asked politely.

"We're the team for interviews." Leo explained and Flora's grin grew wider.

"Oh wonderful. I'm free now if you'd like - and the others won't need to do anything until the public arrive. We start in an hour so interviews with the public will have to wait." She explained.

"That's fine." Leo smiled.

"No it's not. That means Dan and I will be left alone together for at least an hour." I thought in annoyance.

"My name is Leo Christopher. This is Susan Marie-Ann, Jack McKinny, Dan Howell and Phil Lester." He introduced us and Flora shook hands with each of us.

"Nice to meet all of you. Please come inside." She gestured inside the building and we followed her in. 

She explained a few things about the fundraiser and what activities they had planned for the kids and parents - as well as donators. Soon enough Susan peeled off from our group with Flora, Leo and Jack and made their way towards the others who Flora had pointed out leaving Dan and I alone.

"Oh god, what do I do?" I thought in panic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	5. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/162418865-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-4-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042266069/forget-you-4

"So-"

"Don't talk to me." Dan hissed and my eyes went wide in surprise. 

"Look Dan-" I tried to reason with him but he interrupted me again.

"Shut up. All we have to do is get the work done, it doesn't mean we have to talk or be friends so don't talk to me." He snapped and walked over to some chairs at the side, taking a seat and pulling his phone out.

I let out a sigh. Dan really didn't like me. I decided to take a seat as well - but the one furthest away from him as possible. I took my own phone out and played iPhone games to keep my mind from thinking about the awkward silence and the tension in the air. 

We sat there for a long hour, doing nothing but watch people organize or go on our phones. Dan refused to look in my direction and it only made my mind run wild on situations on how Dan could hate me. Just imagining them made me sick to the stomach and even more afraid. I felt myself begin to shake. 

I realized that after I lost my memories I developed a panic attack whenever I thought about it. The doctor told me I used to have them a lot so it wasn't anything unusual and that I was to try avoid them as much as possible. I clenched my shaking fists and bit my trembling lip. Everything seemed to get more claustrophobic and my breathing came out heavier. 

I couldn't stand it any longer - I was having a full on panic attack and I needed help. I took in multiple breath and shakily got to my feet - practically running out the town hall and fumbling with my phone. I tapped on Louise's contact and leaned against the wall outside the building, taking in large breaths as my heart thumped erratically. 

"Hello?" Louise's voice asked after a few rings.

"L-Loui-ise." I stuttered out, coughing a little.

"Oh shit! Phil it's okay calm down, it's okay. Clear your mind, don't think about it any more okay? Look what you've achieved. You have tons of friends who think you're great and you have a great job that I know you're going to do great in. Take in deep breaths and try slow your heart. You'll be okay honey, just relax." Louise's calming words flowed through the speaker and and made my tense shaking body start to relax. 

I took in deep breaths, listening to Louise mutter encouraging words through the phone. I felt my heart slow down but could still feel it thumping strongly. My pulse was making my head hurt a little. After a few minutes I calmed down completely and took in a shaky breath. "I-I'm sorry." I breathed, feeling tears reach my eyes.

"Sh, it's okay Phil. You're okay, just don't think about it okay? You're going to be fine alright?" Louise encouraged.

"O-okay. Thank you." I smiled a little although my lips still trembled a little and a tear escaped my eye. 

"No problem sweetie. Call me if it happens again alright?"

"Yeah. See you later." I agreed and I hung up. I felt another tear leave my eye. 

"Phil?" Another voice asked and I panicked - quickly wiping my eyes.

"Y-yeah?" I asked, trying to look composed as I turned round. Dan was standing there with a frown on his face. Although instead of hate I saw concern on his face. Why? 

"Um, we need to start the interviews." He said, nodding towards the doors.

"Right, I'll be in in a minute." I gave him a false smile and his eyes narrowed as he saw it before he shook his head and walked back inside. I let out a shaky breath before wiping my eyes again as I felt fresh tears rise. Once I was sure I didn't look a mess I went back inside.

Around fifty minutes later, Dan and I finished our last interview with one of the parents and took our notes to the others. Leo was chatting to an older woman and Jack and Susan seemed to be having their own conversation.

"Hey." Dan said and Jack and Susan stopped their chat and smiled.

"Got everything?" Susan asked and Dan nodded. 

"Yeah, you?" 

"Yep. We're going to head back soon. We won't be covering visuals today so we just need what we have." Jack explained.

"Alright then." Dan sighed. "I'll go get the car. Tell Leo to wrap things up so we can start on the editing." He then left, leaving us three alone.

"Was everything okay?" Susan asked me.

"Yeah, we didn't talk much ... or at all." I smiled weakly and Susan only smiled back.

"He'll warm up to you." Jack grinned and got up to tell Leo to get ready to go. Soon enough everyone was back in the car and then arriving at our office. As soon as we were in our workspace everyone pulled out their notes and set up their chairs round a whiteboard on the wall. 

"Phil come sit here. This is the editing part where we choose what parts to use and how the layout will be. You should watch and possibly take notes." Jack encouraged and pulled a fifth seat over.

"Thanks." I smiled and sat down with them. The editing took around an hour and I watched as the other four conversed professionally and even added some of my own input at some points which luckily worked out.

"Okay, let's run that by the director. Dan you're on typing this time so get the interviews written out. Susan and I will go see the director and Jack, can you look up a little background on the fundraiser?" 

"Okay but I'll have to use the big computer next door. My laptop's ability to connect to the network here is faulty and I need to get it checked." Jack said and Leo nodded.

"Not a problem. Phil you can stay and possibly read out the layout for Dan. It's best if we have all the text in order. It's a lot easier for the director to sort through." Leo suggested.

"Um o-ok." I smiled and watched as Jack, Susan and Leo left the room - once again leaving Dan and I alone. I watched in silence as Dan walked to the computer he was working at the day before and brought up a word document. 

"What's the first section?" Dan asked and at first I'm too surprised to move. "Well?" Dan snapped, turning to me with an irritated glare. 

"S-sorry." I mumbled and turned to the whiteboard, listing what needed typed out.

~

As soon as I entered the apartment Louise came running down the hall. "PHIL!" She exclaimed and trapped me in a tight hug. "Are you okay? Oh god, what happened?" She asked in concern.

I smiled and wrapped my arms around her. "I'm fine now. I was just alone with Dan and ultimately my stupid brain began thinking of scenarios in which I could have hurt him." I swallowed, trying not to think about it too much.

"Oh god." Louise sighed. "Poor you. Come on, I had the kettle waiting for you." She smiled warmly and I followed her into the kitchen.

"Thanks Louise." I whispered, fiddling with my hands. I was so glad to have her as a friend. Without her I could have had to go to hospital because I could never calm down my attacks by myself. 

"Here you go." Louise grinned and handed me a mug. "Now, how was the rest of your day?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	6. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/162427473-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-5-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042461554/forget-you-5

"Glasgow's Comic Con is this weekend. I'd like you two to go and write a report as well as get some interviews whilst you're down there. Accommodation will be paid for of course and you will have passes to talk to the organizers and any famous faces." The director explained.

I grinned. I loved Comic Con - it was full of people who liked the same things as me. I had developed a love for manga and anime over the past year and couldn't wait to go up there. Only problem was Dan. 

"Why do you have to send us both?" Dan snapped and I felt my mood drop again.

"Because, like I've said countless times, you two are partners like it or not. This isn't school any more Howell, grow up and march on." The director snapped and Dan gritted his teeth. I swallowed, hoping he didn't take it out on me. "You two are dismissed. You leave on Friday morning so please be at the office at 9 to collect your tickets and anything else you'll need." he huffed then turned back to his computer. 

Dan turned and stormed out the room and I timidly followed after, making sure to stay at least a little distance from Dan in case he unleashed his rage on me. He burst into our office, making Jack jump and Susan raise her eyebrows. Leo wasn't there. 

"Whoa, what's up with you?" Susan smirked. I swallowed, she shouldn't provoke him.

"None of your fucking business - that's what." Dan growled, flopping down in his chair. I looked at Susan to see her gaping at Dan with wide eyes. Apparently Dan has never been like that before which made me feel worse - knowing I caused it.

"Hey don't talk to her like that." Jack frowned.

"Get lost Jack, everyone knows you fancy Susan." Dan hissed - seemingly not being able to hold his tongue. I watched as Jack went red and Susan looked even more shocked. 

"Shut up! I-I do not fancy Susan! Don't take your stupid tantrum out on us." Jack snapped back, looking furious. I felt dread fill my stomach and a panic attack on the horizon - I had caused this. It's all my fault. 

"Look don't get angry at me! It's not you who has made me angry. It's fucking Phil! I can't stand to be in the same room as him and now I have to fucking go to a convention I actually like with him!" Dan growled and without another word stormed out the room. I felt a strike in my chest - it was definitely my fault. I felt my breaths coming out quicker and knew I had to escape.

"E-excuse me." I stuttered and swiftly left the room, ignoring Jack and Susan's calls as I ran out the building and to the gardens behind it. I felt my legs go shaky and I was finding it hard to breath. I felt tears in my eyes and I collapsed against a bench, trying to breath properly. It was like all the oxygen was being removed from around me and my heart pounded in my ears.

A tear escaped and I felt around for my phone so I could call Louise. I felt panic when I couldn't find it in any of my pockets. A horrific realization that I left it in the office settled in and my panic attack only built and I was gasping for breath whilst my head throbbed and tears escaped my eyes. "It's all my fault." I cried, lifting a shaking hand to press against my forehead. My lungs were burning from my frantic breathing and I felt so scared. Louise wasn't around to help me and I felt completely helpless. 

Black filled the edge of my vision and I felt like I was dying - I just wanted to breath properly but I needed help to stop the attacks. I felt light headed although the painful head ache kept me conscious. I cried even more which made breathing even harder and I choked. 

"PHIL?!" A muffled voice shouted but my hearing was becoming fuzzy. "Fuck, Phil come on snap out of it. It's okay, you're okay come on. Deep breaths come ON! In and out slowly come on, that's it." I didn't know who the voice belonged to but they calmed me down and a sense of deja vu washed over me. "Come on Phil you can do it, you're good come on. Deep breaths come on. Long inhales and long exhales, try get your heart to slow down. Come on you can do it." The voice encouraged and slowly but surely I became calmer. The shaking stopped and I could sort of breath again but the black was dotting my vision and soon enough I passed out.

~

I internally groaned as I felt a pounding in my head. I heard crying coming from somewhere nearby and I blinked one eye open only to be met with a white light too bright for my sore eyes to handle. "Fuck." I croaked. 

The crying suddenly stopped and a female voice exclaimed, "OH MY GOD! Phil, you're okay thank goodness." I blinked a few times until I could finally make out a slightly blurry image of the tear-stained face of Louise. "Why didn't you call me when you had your panic attack?" She choked, stroking my hair from my face. 

"I-I ... I left it in the office when I tried to get some fresh air." I croaked out and ended up coughing harshly, sending pain to my lungs. 

"It's okay, you don't have to say anything else. I'm just happy you're okay, the doctor said it wasn't anything too severe since you passed out. However if you'd have stayed conscious you could have choked to death because you weren't breathing properly and your heart was racing so fast you could have had a heart attack. You scared me half to death." Louise sobbed again and I reached out weakly to pull her into a hug.

"I'm sorry." I whispered.

"Don't be, you can't help it! Just try to keep your phone on you at all times so I can be there alright?" Louise asked, tears still leaking from her eyes. I nearly cried myself. When I was in a normal state I wouldn't dream of crying but whenever I was in a panic attack I felt stupid and worthless and cried like a baby. I couldn't control it or my emotions and hated that I had carried this burden from my past life into my new one. Just knowing I got panic attacks because of my past scared me even more to go back and look at it. 

"As soon as your heart rate goes back to normal I'm to take you home and let you get a day's rest." Louise sighed, pulling away and holding my hand. 

"Okay. Will I still be able to go to the convention?" I asked curiously.

"Yeah, you should be fine by tomorrow so you'll be back to normal by Friday. However I don't feel comfortable sending you up to Glasgow which is so far away. I don't want you to have a panic attack again and not have me there to help." Louise sniffed.

"I'll keep my phone on me at all times. I need to go - it's still only my first week of work so I need to get back as soon as possible." I tried to convince her and Louise let out a huff before giving me a weak smile.

"Well ... it's your decision."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	7. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/163024334-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-6-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042579254/forget-you-6

The silence was tense and I glanced sideways at Dan who was sitting next to me on the metal bench. He had ignored me from the moment I arrived at the office and left me to pay the taxi driver which ticked me off a little but I did't say anything because I didn't want him to be angry again.

His headphones were secured in his ears with the volume on high considering I could faintly hear the beat. I sighed and tried to read the book in my hand. It was called, 'The Girl with all the Gifts'and was apparently really good - Louise had recommended I read it. However, I ended up just reading the same sentence over an over without processing it and gave up after reading it for the fifth time and only remembering 'it' and 'a'.

Movement out of the corner of my eye made me curious and I peered over to see Dan change the song. I saw him switch it to Psycho by Muse and I smiled slightly - we had a little in common. I loved Muse, they were one of my favourite bands. I hadn't looked into my hobbies after losing my memories but I did find plenty of music downloaded onto my computer and ended up enjoying every song so I had all my favourite music from before my memories plus additions from the past year. Muse was one of the top. However, I didn't mention it because Muse was old Phil Lester's favourite band as well.

"Flight to Glasgow will be leaving in 20 minutes." 

I looked over at Dan, no way was I touching him in case he lashed out at me. Instead I waved my hand in his eye line and then tapped my invisible wrist watch. Although he was frowning at being disturbed he nodded and we gathered our bags.

Once on the plane, I stopped at our seats and looked towards Dan, hopefully telling him with my eyes that he could have the window seat. Dan, again, didn't say anything and flopped down with an eye roll, looking out the glass. I sighed and sat down next to him. There was one seat left and five minutes before take-off a young girl sat down.

She gave me a friendly smile which I returned. I clutched the sides of my chair tightly when the plane finally sped along the runway and my heart dropped as it began to lift off the ground. It was my first time, as the new Phil Lester, riding a plane. It sent a bit of a rush mixed with fear down my spine. Once the plane was steady in the air and light came on above their heads, I relaxed a little. 

"First time flying?" The woman asked and I nodded, letting out the breath I'd been holding. "Don't worry, it'll be fine." She smiled brightly.

"Thank you." I chuckled shakily.

"I'm Emma." She offered her manicured hand and I shook it. 

"Phil." 

"Nice to meet you, is that your friend?" She asked, looking towards Dan who's eyes were closed whilst his music still blared from his earphones.

"Work mate." I answered, knowing that Dan and I were nowhere near friends. 

"Ah." She nodded. "So, why you heading to Glasgow?" She asked. I picked up on her accent - she must be travelling home. 

"Oh, work. You?" I asked. I wasn't too good with small talk although she seemed very nice.

"I'm meeting my boyfriend there." She smiled happily. I smiled too.

"That's nice." we talked for a little while longer before she started to watch a movie on her ipad and I once again tried to read The Girl with all the Gifts. As I opened the right page I glanced at Dan and nearly jumped when I saw him frowning in my direction.

"What?" I asked in confusion.

Dan seemed to snap out of it and sharply turned towards the window - his frown turning into a scowl. "Nothing." He muttered grumpily and turned his music up. I sighed - I didn't understand that boy but I knew I couldn't judge him too hard considering I don't know how bad the thing I did to Dan was.

The flight went fairly quickly considering we were still within the UK. Waiting for our luggage was no better than waiting for our plane in London. Dan was completely silent and I was beginning to worry if this project will fail because of lack of interaction. We needed to work together and work out what pieces would be best for when we got to Comic Con. 

Soon enough we arrived at the hotel and Dan did the talking for once and asked where our room was. I followed him into the lift and down a corridor until we stopped outside of one numbered '23'. Dan jammed the key into the lock - he was really aggravated and I was happy we didn't have to do anything that day because his bad mood would affect our work.

The room smelt nice - it had a plump looking sofa and small flat screen TV as well as a mini fridge, toilet and cupboard. There was another door which I assumed lead to the bedroom. I walked over as Dan dumped his bags next to the sofa and turned the handle. I peeked inside and frowned, looking all over the room before swallowing. I bit my lip because Dan would definitely not like this.

"U-um ..." I started, a little scared to point out the bedroom problem.

"What?" Dan snapped, scrolling through his phone.

"Th-the room ..." I trailed off, too nervous to say anything else.

Dan looked up from his phone with a raised eyebrow. "What about it?" He asked in aggravation. Again I didn't reply but nodded towards the door, quickly getting out the way when he stomped towards it. I watched as he looked through and winced when I saw his shoulders tense. "WHAT THE FUCK?!" He growled.

"Dan-"

"Shut up! We need to change this NOW! How the fuck did we get a double bed room? I thought it was two singles. The director said it was two singles and the fucker told us there was no refund. MOTHERFUCKER." Dan shouted in annoyance.

"I-I'll take the couch." I stuttered and cursed myself. I couldn't speak properly with him being so angry. I was really pathetic.

"Of course you're taking the fucking sofa, no way am I sharing with you!" Dan snapped. I felt myself freeze and shrink under his gaze whilst I felt the possible spark of a panic attack. I tried thinking of other things though and when Dan shut the door, his harsh gaze left with it and I could relax.

This arrangement was going to be a serious problem.

~

"Dan, the dinner has started downstairs." I spoke timidly from the other side of the door. I heard some shuffling and footsteps and five minutes later Dan appeared in the door frame. He had a black jumper on, black skinny jeans and black converse. I was about to comment on how dark he looked but held my tongue.

"Let's go." He grumbled and lead the way.

We reached the dining room and I smiled at how inviting the food looked and how friendly the people seemed. There were quite a lot of families and couples. 

"Howell." Dan muttered to the woman at the stand. 

"Ah yes, Mr Howell. If you would both come this way - we have a reservation for you." She smiled brightly - almost too brightly. I was a very observant person and could tell that was her work mask. We sat down at a comfortable booth next to some nice plants and view out the window. The city was bright with lights in the dark sky. "You both here for a honeymoon?" She asked sweetly and y stomach dropped once again. 

I risked glancing at Dan who looked like someone had just stabbed a puppy right in front of him. "No!" He exclaimed.

"Oh, my apologies." She rushed, looking embarrassed. 

"It's okay." I tried to reassure. "May I have a lemonade?" I asked, trying to change the subject before Dan could butt in and yell at her.

"Of course."

"Red wine." Dan mumbled angrily, eyes burning into the table.

"I'll be right back." She smiled anxiously then pretty much ran away.

There was a long moment's silence. My brain whirred as I tried to think of something- anything to say. It was extremely awkward and I had a feeling I was the last person Dan wanted to have a conversation with. However, I felt like I needed to try.

"D-"

"What the hell are you playing at?" Dan suddenly spat, eyes burning into mine.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	8. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/163024799-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-7-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042684969/forget-you-7

"What?" I frowned in confusion.

"Since day fucking one you've pretended like there's been no fucking problem. Do you have any fucking respect? Are you just going to pretend what happened never existed? You're a right twat-"

"Dan wait-" I interrupted in panic - wanting him to stop before he told me anything.

"No - fucking listen!" Dan snarled. "I'm sick of you torturing me with your presence."

"Dan please-" I whimpered a little - trying to stop him saying any more.

"Shut up! Do you know how much you've hurt me Phil?" Dan asked, looking hurt and incredibly angry. I couldn't let him continue or I'd have a large panic attack in the middle of the restaurant. 

"DAN STOP!" I yelled and Dan's eyes went wide with shock as well as the majority of the tables around them. "Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop." I pleaded, covering my face with my hands. "Don't say any more. Don't tell me what I did - I don't want to know, I don't want to know!" I repeated - verging on frantic.

"What are you talking about?" Dan questioned in confusion, although he still looked angry. "You know what you did!" 

"NO I don't." I snapped, pulling my hands away and glaring at Dan. He seemed to get uncomfortable under my stare so I closed my eyes and sighed. "Dan, just listen to me for a second and fucking listen!" I urged. Dan scowled at me but stayed quiet - I took that as an 'ok'.

The waitress came back with our drink and we sat in complete silence - waiting for her to disappear. "Sorry for the wait." She apologized. "Would you like to order?"

"Could you please come back in ten minutes?" I asked politely and she nodded before scampering away. "Right, Dan. I'm not who you think I am. I'm not the Phil Lester you know." I started, trying to be careful with my words.

"What does that mean?" Dan asked sceptically.

"I can only be blunt can't I?" I huffed in annoyance. "Dan, a year ago I got really drunk. I ended up being hit by a car and I hit my head pretty hard on the road. I went to hospital and was diagnosed with Amnesia. I don't know who the old Phil Lester is or what he was like or what he did. I don't want to. Judging by the way I got Amnesia in the first place and the state of the place I lived, I didn't live a great life so I started afresh. I only looked up the information I knew I'd need such as my name and date of birth. Dan, I don't know who you are." I finished.

Dan's eyes were wide and his mouth was agape. He looked shocked but I could also detect a slight horror behind his eyes. "Y-you ..." He trailed off - not knowing what to say.

"I don't want to know who I was okay. I don't want you to tell me what I did, I'm not Phil Lester. I'm a man with the same name and face - we're different." I said seriously. I knew for a fact that my behaviour was probably different to what I used to be considering my previous conditions.

"How do I know you're not lying." Dan asked cautiously. "You could just be saying that to not face up to the guilt-"

"Stop! Don't say anything." I interrupted, trying to control my breathing. This was getting too close to knowing old Phil. "I'll prove it - ask me a question that will satisfy you but won't give too much away." I proposed. 

Dan thought for a moment before he bit his lip hesitantly. "Do you know your parents?" He asked, looking like he was tiptoeing around broken glass.

"I didn't look up my family, I have no idea who my parents are or if I have any siblings. All I have is my flatmate and best friend - Louise. I suppose she's sort of my sister. I have a few other friends but that's it." I explained calmly, trying to show I was telling the truth.

Dan stared at me straight in the eye which made me nervous but after a while he relaxed a little and looked down at his hands on the table. "You're telling the truth. Also, you'd be pretty sick to lie about-" He stopped himself. I cringed - another thing I'd probably done wrong. "Sorry." Dan mumbled.

"It's okay. Just don't tell me any more." I sighed, leaning back in the booth. The tension was thick in the air - I could probably cut it with a knife.

Soon enough the waitress came back - looking extremely uncomfortable but the false smile was still there. "Are you ready to order?" She asked - her voice smaller than before.

"Yeah, I'll have the lasagne." I smiled weakly and she jotted it down on her notebook.

"I'll have the scampi." Dan sighed, rubbing his temples. Again, she wrote it down before walking away. Dan looked up at me, still biting his lip. "So ... you really don't know who I am?" Dan asked, looking more sad than angry now which confused me.

"No. I don't know anything about you other than you hate me for some reason." I replied, playing with my fork to distract myself. 

"Oh." Was all he said.

"Look Dan ... I've obviously done something to hurt you and I know seeing my face isn't ideal but I need you to think of me as a stranger because my Amnesia is permanent - my memories are never coming back." I stated - needing him to know. Dan seemed to swallow and my heart raced when I saw Dan's eyes water. I panicked, why was he crying?

"Y-yeah, okay." He breathed shakily.

"Are you ... okay?" I asked hesitantly.

"I suppose ... there's just so much I wish you could remember despite the bad things that happ- Sorry, I won't say anything." Dan apologized, sniffing and blinking away the water in his eyes which he refused to let go. 

"Thank you. I'm sorry I can't remember - but I don't want to learn the life of Phil Lester because I don't want to know him. I'm who I am now and I don't want what people tell me to change me. The old Phil Lester left me with panic attacks I can't control - that terrifies me enough to know that I wouldn't go near his life with a ten foot pole." I sighed. I kept using 'he' because he was not me - and very much not any more.

At the words 'panic attacks' I saw Dan tense up which meant he knew the reason I had them. I'd have to be careful around him. "Alright, I accept that." Dan smiled weakly.

"Dan, I need your word that - even if you get angry at me, you won't tell me what happened between us or anything about Phil Lester." I said - hoping he'd agree.

Dan seemed to deflate a little but nodded. "I won't. That would be a dick move." He smiled a little again. I noticed his dimples and couldn't help my mood rise a little. I liked his smile - it was a lot better in comparison to the scowl I usually got. 

I held out my hand. "Hi, I'm Phil. What's your name?" I asked, smiling politely. Dan chuckled and shook my hand. 

"I'm Dan Howell, nice to meet you Phil." Dan replied and wrinkled his nose a little. I guessed that he found it a little weird.

"So, can we start over? I was really excited when I arrived at the office on Monday and you seemed nice until you heard my name. I'm sure you're a decent person Dan and I'd like to know the real you since we'll be working together." I offered a smile. Dan smiled back - more genuine. However I could also detect that he was holding himself back from something. I didn't mention it - that was his business. 

"Yeah, I'd like that. Forgive me if I accidentally glare at you on sight. It's become a bit of reflex now." Dan admits sheepishly.

"That's fine - I understand." 

"One Scampi and one lasagne. Enjoy." A different waitress smiled and placed our plates in front of us.

"Thank you." Dan smiled and I already felt happier with Dan being happier.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	9. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204270563-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-8-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042777304/forget-you-8

"Thank you for your time." I smiled politely as the woman dressed as Haru from Free walked away. 

"Alright, that should be enough for the day." Dan sighed and finished jotting down his notes. We had been interviewing people and staff all day as well as getting as much information we could on the whole event. "We'll be back one more time for Vic Mignogna's panel tomorrow before we fly back to London." Dan commented before stuffing his notebook in his bag.

"Cool, want to get a drink?" I offered. 

Dan smiled, "Aright." We walked through the sea of cosplayers and just as we were leaving Dan stopped at a stall - something obviously catching his eye. I looked over his shoulder to see him admiring a black leather notebook with 'Death Note' scrawled across it in grungy white letters. 

"Is that from an anime you like?" I asked and Dan jumped a little as I was right behind him. 

"Ugh yeah, it's the death note from Death Note." Dan chuckled. "I was just admiring the detail." He shrugged. "Anyway, let's go." Dan suddenly put the book down and left through the exit doors. I glanced at the notebook.

~

"Two caramel macchiatos." The barista called out.

"That'll be us." I grinned and grabbed our order. I gave Dan his and we both fell into a comfortable silence. I took my phone out and started to play crossy road - it was something I'd recently become addicted to. 

It wasn't long until I felt like I was being watched and looked up to see Dan's intense stare. "What?" I asked, a little uncomfortable.

"You just ... you're so like him in so many ways. I mean-"

"Dan." I interrupted sternly and Dan froze. He looked down at his drink and played with the straw.

"Sorry." He mumbled and I felt bad for him. 

"No, I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with my presence - if I didn't need this job I'd be out of your hair-"

"It's fine Phil ... I understand and I don't hate you." Dan smiled weakly. "Anyway, how are you now then? I mean, are you happy?" Dan asked - changing topic.

"Yeah, I suppose I am. I like this job and I've gotten to know some cool people - especially my room mate Louise who's been an angel." I replied.

"Oh ... are you and her-"

"No." I chuckled. "Just good friends." Dan's tense figure seemed to relax a little but there was something behind his eyes that told another story - a story I didn't want to hear.

"Well I'm glad you have someone. All I have right now is the guys at the office and a few others who I haven't had close contact with recently - it's been a little rough for the past few years." Dan sighed.

I knew not to ask about what happened so went for a different angle. "The guys in the office are great." I agreed.

"I feel bad for snapping at Susan and Jack. I'll make it up to them when I get back." Dan sighed - looking sad.

"It's not your fault." I tried to reassure - it was pretty much mine.

"No it is ... I need to control my anger sometimes ... but I won't get into that." Dan diverted. I nodded - knowing exactly why. 

"So ... what's your favourite colour?" I asked, not too sure what to say. For a second Dan looked startled and even a little sad before a smile reached his lips.

"Black." 

"Black's not a colour, it's a shade." I grinned.

"It is too a colour." Dan frowned. 

"Yeah whatever." I teased. 

"Well what's your favourite colour?" He asked curiously. 

"Blue." I answered and I only just saw the twitch of his eye which he covered up with a fake smile. Something was off but I was too scared to ask. 

"Favourite animal?" 

"Llama. Yours?"

"Lion." Another twitch.

"Favourite TV show?"

"Um, doctor who or Buffy." 

Twitch.

"Mine's Game of Thrones and American Horror Story." Dan smiled. "Favourite food?"

"Pizza but I love Indian too."

Twitch. 

"Is your eye alright?" I asked cautiously.

"Yeah, sorry. It sometimes happens when I'm tired or slightly stressed." Dan smiled reassuringly and took a sip of his drink.

"Okay ... so, do you want to go back to the hotel? I hear there's some american horror story reruns on one of the channels." I offered.

"Sure, let's go." Dan smiled and we both got up.

I spent the whole evening with Dan getting to know him a little better and it was surprisingly comfortable - as if we were always meant to meet which both made me happy and terrified at the same time. Dan probably knew more about me than I knew myself and that was a terrifying concept - to entrust my life in someone else's hands. 

Nevertheless, Dan was a total sweetheart and I was much happier getting to know the real him. We even started to talk more the next day between interviews. We mainly talked about anime considering it was Comic Con's main theme and even took a few pictures with some amazingly made costumes.

When it was time to go I honestly felt a little sad that Dan and I couldn't enjoy our time together alone any more. At the same time I couldn't wait to get home and tell Louise everything that had happened. 

"This weekend went by really quickly." Dan commented as he zipped up his suitcase. 

"Unfortunately." I sighed. 

"I think I'll miss hotel breakfast the most." He chuckled. I rolled my eyes.

"Is food all you think about?"

"Obviously." 

"Idiot." I grinned. There was a moment of silence and suddenly I was tugged around. I stared in surprise as Dan looked up at me with an intense gaze. When I looked into his eyes I felt so many conflicting emotions. I wanted to run away and be safe from the danger of knowing past Phil but at the same time I wanted to embrace the warmth I felt gazing into the chocolate brown as well as the peculiar feeling of being safe and at home.

I was suddenly engulfed in a hug and I held my breath as Dan's arms wrapped around me. Slowly I did the same and reciprocated the hug. We stood there for a few minutes - not saying a word. Just enjoying the gesture. For every second it felt like a week had gone by. 

Eventually though, he pulled away. I was surprised to see the slight shininess of Dan's eyes. It was unmistakably un-shed tears. "Dan-"

"Thank you." Dan interrupted, giving me a watery smile.

"For what?" I asked in confusion.

"Just thank you." Dan chuckled a little before walking back to his suitcase. I decided that Dan probably didn't want to elaborate and had had a little moment of his own. I couldn't start to imagine what he was thinking and feeling - I could only hope he could tolerate me and enjoy my company enough. 

It wasn't long before we were all packed and on the flight back to London.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	10. Chapter Nine

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204271553-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-9-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042895134/forget-you-9

"So, how was it?" Jack asked as Dan and I entered the office on monday.

"Am I expecting to find clumps of hair removed from either of your heads?" Susan asked snarkily. I glanced at Dan, remembering how he left things with Jack and Susan. Susan probably was one to hold grudges so I hoped Dan apologised soon or there'd be more fuss in the office. 

"No." Dan replied calmly, putting his laptop bag on the seat. "We um ... actually had a good time." Dan muttered - looking embarrassed. Maybe after expressing how much he hates me it would be embarrassing to admit that he thinks I'm somewhat ok. 

"I knew you two would eventually get on." Leo grinned.

"I dunno, there were some serious daggers." Susan smirked, narrowing her eyes at Dan. It looked like she was holding back from biting him - her features looking even more cat-like than usual. Dan stiffened under he stare.

"U-um, about what I said before I left." Dan stuttered. Jack seemed to go a little pink but smiled gently at Dan - clearly he was a forgiving person. "I'm sorry, I was a jerk and angry and stupid and I didn't mean any of it." Dan apologised. Susan didn't move an inch, only let her scrutinising eyes rake Dan' form as if searching if he was truly sorry. 

"It's ok Dan. We could never hate you." Jack smiled and chuckled at Susan's expression. "Come on Susan, you've scared him enough." 

Susan's face went from judging to grinning in a matter of seconds. I was surprised she wasn't going to sprout a tail and whiskers like the cat from Alice in wonderland. "I forgive you dick head." She smirked, sticking her small pink tongue out. 

"Yeah, whatever bitch." Dan grinned and the four of them laughed. I smiled, clearly they had been friends for a while and I couldn't see how they usually were because of Dan and I's situation causing Dan to be an asshole. 

"You're sure Dan didn't try to kill you Phil?" Jack asked and I grinned as Dan's face went pink. 

"I hate you guys." He whined.

~

"It was incredible. Although I'm scared he'll slip up and mention something that triggers all my memories back." I bit my lip in worry. 

"I'm sure he'll be careful. From what you told me, you two were probably friends at one point so there's got to be some form of trust between you." Louise offered as we walked down the street. "Coffee?" She suggested as she slowed outside a small cafe. 

"Yeah ... I'm just nervous is all. I mean something happened between us that caused him to hate me. What if we fall out and he tells me?" I continued, not really knowing where to go with the Dan situation. I felt like we connected on the trip to Comic Con and he made me strangely happy but it also terrified me at the same time. I hated the slight nostalgia I had in his presence because I felt like I could have a panic attack at any moment, yet at the same time felt calm and safe in his company. It was a great conflict inside me that made me uneasy. 

"I'm sure he wouldn't do that. I'm sure he's a nice kid, he should know that that is a very selfish and stupid thing to do to someone else." Louise reassured as we joined the line. "And from what I've heard he probably likes you." She smirked. 

"What do you mean?" I frowned. 

"Well you told me he blushes a lot and how he's cute and -" 

"Louise!" I whined, blushing myself.

"Didn't you tell me you thought he was attractive?" She smirked.

"Shut up, please." I pleaded, so maybe he was hot and cute but I couldn't really see anything happening with our past, that I didn't know. For all I knew Dan could secretly hate me.

"Alright, alright." She chuckled.

"Phil?" Someone exclaimed and I turned round in surprise to see Dan sitting at one of the tables with his macbook. 

"O-oh, hi Dan." I blurted, totally unprepared to talk to him. 

"You're right, he is cute." Louise whispered and I elbowed her in the side. 

"Do you want to join me?" Dan asked timidly, biting his lip. My eyes traced the movement for a second before meeting his eyes, mouth open like a goldfish.

"Um-"

"We'd love to. I'll get our drinks Phil, you keep Dan company." Louise announced loudly and smiled brightly at me. I secretly cursed the mischief behind Louise's eyes. However, I nodded dumbly and took a seat beside Dan as Louise progressed through the line. 

"How are you?" I asked with a shy smile. Even though Dan and I spent a whole weekend together we seemed to take cautious steps around each other as if not to set the other off. 

"Alright, I'm just going over the notes we made." Dan smiled back and gestured to the laptop. 

"Oh cool, can I take a look?" I asked curiously. I wanted to see Dan's style of writing - he seemed pretty guarded when talking about it but there's also this glint behind his expression; almost like a passion for it hidden by shyness or modesty.

"Of course. I mean, I-I should have consulted with you first. I'm sorry-"

"No, no it's fine. You know what you're doing more than I do." I smiled reassuringly and turned his laptop to look at the words. I scanned over the notes and some quickly written paragraphs for the report. 

"This is really good Dan. I like how you construct your words together, it's very engaging. Have you ever thought about writing stories?" I asked, glancing at him between reading the notes.

Dan flushed but beamed at me. "Well yeah I've thought about it ... um thanks." He seemed to trip over his words a bit. 

"You should definitely consider it, I'd read your books." I urged and pushed the laptop back. I felt happy when I saw the gleam behind his eyes. I could tell he liked writing like me - probably even more. 

"Thanks Phil." He replied a little more quietly. My eyes wandered to his dimple, having the strong urge to poke it or stroke his cheeks. I internally cringed at my thoughts and focused on the situation at hand. I rummaged through my bag to get my phone and check the time when my eyes landed on a black notebook I had forgotten to take out when I got home the previous day. 

"Oh." I voiced and took it out. "I forgot, I got you this on the weekend and I guess it slipped my mind to give it to you yesterday." I fumbled over my words, now embarrassed. Would he think it was stupid that I got him something? What if he didn't like it?

Dan took the notebook and looked shocked as he saw the cover. "Wow ... thank you so much you shouldn't have." Dan said in awe as he flipped through the pages.

"Well you said how much you liked Death Note and since you like writing I thought it was appropriate." I admitted, glad that he liked it. I felt a flutter in my stomach when Dan grinned at me, his intense stare on mine.

"Thank you Phil. I love it."

"Oh good, I hoped you would." I grinned back.

"Here you go." Louise suddenly interrupted and placed our drinks down. "Hello Dan, my name's Louise. I'm Phil's room mate."

"Nice to meet you, I've heard a little about you. You helped Phil um ... get back on his feet?" Dan winced a little as the words left his mouth. His eyes flickered to mine as if apologising for bringing it up. I smiled reassuringly - I didn't mind as long as I didn't know what I was like before.

"Yes, I wanted to talk to you about that. I just wanted to say I stand witness to it and have seen his doctor's records with proof. I'm just making sure there's no doubt." Louise said seriously. 

"It's fine, I believe Phil. There's some things you can't lie about." Dan smiled a little sadly and I felt a lump in my throat - no doubt I was the cause of that sadness and it made me feel awful. 

"Well that's good." Louise smiled happily. "Are there any questions you'd like to ask me about it?" She offered and I was secretly thankful Louise was trying to make things clear for me when I was clearly freaking out about discussing it. 

"Um, not really. I don't really know what to ask without triggering anything. To be honest I don't really need to know anything. Phil and I have agreed for a clean slate." Dan explained, catching my eye. I smiled shyly at him. 

"That's great. Anyway, now that that topics out of the way. Tell me a little about yourself Dan." Louise fell back into her bubbly persona and I watched happily as Dan and Louise hit it off quite well. They seemed to have a lot in common in the anecdote parts of their life and I was crying with laughter at their stories - some which I'd heard, some I hadn't.

I was honestly disappointed when Dan said he had to leave. "It was lovely meeting you Lousie and it was great to see you again Phil. We can finish the report tomorrow yeah?" Dan asked after hugging Louise. 

"Of course. I'm glad we could work things out." I smiled earnestly. 

"Me too." Something seemed to gleam in his eyes before a guard came up. He looked hesitant but then pulled me into a quick hug. My eyes widened a little but I hugged him back happily. Maybe I also had a few butterflies in my stomach. Oh god, I couldn't feel that way around Dan knowing that he probably couldn't feel the same way. I swallowed as he pulled back. 

"See you tomorrow." He grinned and started to leave. I bit my lip as he left before glancing at Louise who gave me a knowing expression.

"I'm in trouble." I admitted.

"I know honey." Louise sighed and I flopped down next to her.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	11. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204272593-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-10-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/147042993014/forget-you-10

I sat in bed the following morning contemplating the last few days with Dan. It had been an emotional roller coaster and honestly I felt like I was going to throw up. It was like walking across a mine field when I was around Dan yet I found myself craving his presence at the same time. I groaned at my conflicted brain and rolled into a duvet cocoon.

Sure Dan was annoyingly attractive but that wasn't the reason why I liked him, although it contributed. However I liked Dan as a person. He was like a rare diamond - I wanted to uncover the gem under the hard exterior. At the same time peeling away the rough surface would uncover things I didn't want to know. 

Simultaneously I wanted to hold him close and run away screaming. A subconscious part of me wanted Dan back in my life. But that's the thing - he'd be 'back' in my life which means we've had a past and that means there's numerous risks that would eventually expose me to the truth. 

A truth I didn't want to know. 

Why would I want to know my old self? I can just tell he left destruction wherever he went. So why couldn't I start a new life? Start over? That's what it feels like - like I've been given a chance to start over ... yet it's disrupted by Dan. What was it about him? 

I sighed into my cocoon before uncurling and grabbing my phone. I wanted to know him. For some reason I had to know him. 'You free after work today?'

I could feel this stab of regret in my stomach but I was smiling. Why was I smiling? Dan made me happy and the happiness I felt made me want to embrace it and him full force. It was terrifying and exhilarating. 

'Sure ^u^'

"Cute." I mumbled before frowning. I shook my smitten confused brain - we hadn't even known each other long ... well in this new life at least. 

~

"How's the report coming along?" Jack asked whilst sipping his coffee. We decided to take a break since we'd been brain storming our next project for hours. Dan and Leo were still in the office with their brains spewing endless ideas. I admired how creative they and the team were. Susan had run off somewhere saying something about a 'cigarette'. 

"Good, Dan's got it all under control." I smiled.

"Control freak." Jack chuckled, taking another sip. 

"How long have you guys been working together?" I asked curiously. 

"Well ... Dan joined us last year. Leo's been here the longest and knew the previous members - that's why he's leader of most projects, most experience or whatever. Susan joined only a little while before Dan and I joined about two years ago - a little while after Leo. As you can see we are quite a good team considering we all get along. Well ... we all get along now. I was a little worried about you and Dan." Jack admitted.

"Oh ... about that. It was all a big misunderstanding, something happened between us in the past that I'd forgotten about it. It's all fine now though." I explained, being as vague as I could afford to be. 

"Well I'm glad. I thought you and Dan would actually make a good team and it seems I was right." Jack grinned. "What's the story? You sweet on him or something?" Jack smirked, sipping his coffee whilst holding curious eye contact. I flushed at his comment.

"W-what about you?" I asked, changing the subject. "I mean what was that with Susan the other day?" I asked. I was only trying to change the subject but I had to be careful considering his annoyed reaction with Dan.

"Oh." Jack rolled his eyes and I held my breath for a second as I was scared I'd offended him. "Well basically at the christmas party last year we kind of got carried away - I kissed her bla bla bla. Basically I like her and I don't know if she likes me. It's a topic on thin ice so we tend not to talk about it. I dunno ... I mean it doesn't bother me too much but I still like her." Jack shrugged, brows furrowing a little. 

"Oh ... sorry, I shouldn't have pried." I apologised.

Jack chuckled and turned back to me with a twinkle in his eye, "Don't worry about it mate. Either way I'm fine with being a single pringle." I laughed at him and downed the rest of my cup.

"Alright."

"Anyway, mr question dodger. Don't think I didn't notice." Jack raised an eyebrow.

I sighed. "It's complicated." I muttered.

"Should I butt out?" He asked, smiling softly.

"Um ... for now." I admitted, hoping I wasn't being rude once again.

"For now? Oh goodie, that means there'll be more to talk about in the future." Jack beamed, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively. I chuckled and lightly shoved him. 

"Ok, ok let's get back to work. I think we should let Dan and Leo have a break. Pretty sure their engines will run out of juice soon." I suggested.

"Fair enough."

~ 

I waited nervously at my desk at the end of the day. After my little crisis that morning I was still conflicted on whether I wanted to get to know Dan too much. However he was still typing on his laptop - probably going over the notes of the new project.

"See you tomorrow Philip!" Susan grinned and pecked me on the cheek. I smiled and waved goodbye as she walked out the door with Leo and Jake who also waved their goodbyes. 

"Should I wait outside?" I asked Dan curiously whilst picking up my bag.

Dan's warm chocolate eyes lifted from his computer screen and focused on me in surprise. "Oh, um, no it's fine. I won't be too long. Usually I stay back in the office so I fell into habit and nearly forget we were going out. Sorry." he admitted sheepishly. 

"Don't worry about it." I smiled softly. 

"Won't be long." Dan grinned and started typing away rapidly on the keyboard. It only took five minutes and soon Dan was packing his laptop into his bag. "Sorry about that. Let's go." he smiled and I followed him out the office door. "So what did you have in mind?" He asked curiously.

"Well ... I was thinking take away coffee in the park?" I suggested. Dan's happy expression dropped and he looked like he'd seen a ghost. "Dan? Are you okay?" I asked in concern. He swallowed and laughed nervously.

"O-oh I'm fine. That sounds great." Dan spoke quickly. 

"Are you sure? You look a little pale." I commented, not too sure what was happening. Did I say something inappropriate? ... 'oh'. "Wait ... did we ..." I trailed off. Clearly it was something significant to our past. Dan hesitantly dragged his eyes up to meet mine before quickly avoiding eye contact again. 

"Um, yeah. Maybe something else?" Dan mumbled. "S-sorry." He stuttered. 

"Don't apologise, it isn't your fault it's mine." I sighed.

"Your fault that you got amnesia?" Dan raised an eyebrow. 

"Probably." I frowned and I caught a sadness behind Dan's eyes. 

"Come on, let's get some coffee and chat. This evening started off weird and we need to get it back on a happy path." Dan smiled encouragingly.

"Ok." I smiled, trying to go back to my usual optimist self. The relationship between Dan and I was still risky and I had the possibility of reminding Dan of times that hurt him. I wanted to know Dan as a friend but it was proving quite hard to do that when my old life kept getting in the way.

'Why couldn't we have met for the first time after my amnesia?' I thought sadly as we left the building.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	12. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204275691-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-11-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/149474622109/forget-you-11

Dan and I walked in awkward silence to the cafe and I hated it - I wanted our normal conversation. However the words seemed to be stuck in my throat. 'What do I say?' I thought in annoyance. My past kept getting in the way and it was starting to get frustrating. I didn't want the Phil Lester of one year ago fucking up my present life - I hated him.

I'm sure of that now.

"Phil? Are you okay?" Dan asked softly and I snapped up to meet his concerned gaze.

"Huh?"

"You were glaring at the pavement." Dan explained, raising an eyebrow.

"Sorry, I was just ... I was thinking of something stressful. I should've been talking to you I'm sorry." I apologised - even now just thinking about it was mucking up my situation. Dan smiled.

"It's fine Phil, you're allowed to be stressed." he reassured but his eyes weren't as bright as they had been the other times we'd met. I felt a knot in my stomach - something about it made me feel at unease but I pushed it down and tried to make the situation at hand better. We had gone out to get coffee to get to know each other anyway.

Finally we arrived and sat down. 

"Alright, new topic. What anime are you watching right now?" Dan grinned, a sudden enthusiasm emitting from him yet I could see the shield in his gaze. There was a wall I couldn't get past. I grit my teeth and shook those thoughts away - they weren't helping. I had to at least make sure our working relationship was a good one. Friends was the long term aim.

"I'm watching Haikyuu." I smiled.

Dan's eyes lit up for a split second and for some reason it made my heart thump. Goddamnit that little bit of hope that Dan and I could work made me want to claw at his walls - it made me want to fight for us. We had chemistry and I was drawn to him like a moth to a flame. I couldn't help it. 

"Really?!" Dan exclaimed happily. "Me too, it's my favourite anime right now." Dan looked like he was about to say more but held his tongue, continuing to look at me eagerly. I felt a simultaneous warmth and stab at my heart.

"It's great so far. I love Hinata. Tobio's pretty good as well." I commented.

"Well yeah - they're good main characters but my favourite character is Tanaka - he's hilarious and fills in the spaces with good humour." Dan contributed, sipping is coffee with a little more vigour.

"You're right he is a good character but Tobio is still the best." I smirked.

"Just because he's hot." Dan grinned cheekily.

I blushed a little, "He's a cartoon Dan!" I exclaimed.

"What's your point?" Dan snickered and I rolled my eyes. A fond smile crept onto my lips. 

"My point is it's animated and not a real person so how can you find it hot?" I giggled.

Dan put a hand over his chest looking genuinely offended for a second and I panicked a little in case I'd said the wrong thing accidentally. "Okay, first thing - how dare you? Second, just because they're animated that doesn't mean you can't be attracted to them! Say you're attracted to a TV show actor, does that make them not a real person if they're playing a character? No and you can still be attracted to them. They're made to look like a different version of our reality. In fact anime specifically specialises in making their characters aesthetically pleasing and beautiful to appeal to viewers. They are just pretty and they may have stereotypical or maybe even bland personalities but luckily anime can make up for it with art style or plot. The whole anime package is supposed to be attractive and appealing so why wouldn't you be attracted to the characters? They're mean to be hot AF!" Dan waffled passionately.

I sat in awed silence, putting my hands up in surrender when Dan eyed me expectantly. "Okay okay I get it - don't criticise your anime crushes." I grinned. Dan narrowed his eyes. "Wait did you say AF? Oh my god, you're incorporating internet lingo in real life speech. What has this world come to?" I sighed dramatically.

"Shut up you spork, I was saying it ironically!" Dan chuckled, taking another sip of his coffee.

"Suuure you were." He playfully glared at me. "Well despite that I think I can officially say you slam dunked me in proving your point so bravo." I clapped loudly, earning a few stares form others in the cafe. Dan flushed a little, laughing as he flapped at me to stop clapping. He kept mumbling about people watching and I loved seeing his face go red. 

"Although I still don't think actors are the same as animated characters." I added in slyly, wondering how Dan would react. 

Dan tilted his head to the side with an 'are you serious?' look on his face. I bit back a smile. "Yeah because if Buffy wasn't animated you wouldn't be attracted her right?" Dan asked sarcastically and I blushed a little. "Make that two slam dunks." Dan retorted. I stuck my tongue out at him. "Wow, real mature Phil."

"I'll never be mature you can't make me!" I grinned.

"For god's sakes man - you're 29 but you have the mentality of a 5 year old." Dan shook his head but there was a fondness in his words. 

"What's wrong with being 5? It's great - you don't have to deal with responsibilities and complications." I shrugged - so what if I was 29? 'Wait, how old is Dan? Wait ... I didn't tell him my age ...' I felt a sinking in my chest knowing he must have worked it out from before, for some reason it made me feel sad. I didn't know how many years we had known each other - hadn't known Dan when he was younger and growing up only ... I had.

"Phil? Are you alright? You've gone quiet again." Dan asked but there was something in his voice that told me he vaguely knew what was on my mind and it irritated me because the old me was really ruining it for the new me. However I could see Dan shifting in his seat and I knew that I must've made him uncomfortable. I hated Dan being uncomfortable with me, 'But he'll never really be comfortable with me.' I thought miserably and suddenly I couldn't pretend everything was alright.

"Look Dan ... I'm sorry if you're uncomfortable with me." I said quietly. Dan didn't move and his face went blank. I hated how I couldn't read his expression.

"It's fine, I'm not ... well yeah I am a little uncomfortable but it's not a big deal." Dan muttered, "It's just ... well sometimes you're a completely different person and sometimes you're not-" Dan started to ramble and my heart beat sped up in panic.

"Dan." I interrupted, my voice cracking a little. Dan's eyes connected with mine and regret flashed in his eyes but I could detect an undeniable frustration - he was holding himself back.

"Sorry ... I'm sorry, I forget I ..." he bit his lip, "this is the problem with us ... I have to restrict myself around you. I can't say what I want to say-" He suddenly cut himself off and looked like he was trying not to get angry.

I gulped. It was my fault - I had caused this. Why couldn't I just let Dan be? I was clearly messing him up. "I'm sorry." I whispered, staring intently into my coffee.

"What? Wait, Phil no don't. I'm sorry - I was out of line. What I was saying - it was completely irrelevant to you." Dan suddenly rushed and I looked up to see the same frustration in his eyes.

'But it's relevant to him.' I thought bitterly. "Maybe-" I began, starting to regret the whole idea of trying to start afresh with Dan. Clearly us just being friends was becoming a huge hurdle for him so the fact that I actually had ... well, feelings for him made me feel selfish. I shouldn't have hoped for more.

"No, wait shut up!" Dan suddenly said and I looked at him in shock. I opened my mouth to apologise, thinking I'd offended him but he spoke up before I could utter an apology. "No, really Phil don't say anything. This has all gone the wrong way - we shouldn't even be talking about this. We both agreed to start over so let's stop pondering over this and just start over." Dan stated - a determined look in his eyes.

I bit my lip, wasn't it all a burden?

"Okay." I smiled and Dan smiled back - I couldn't help it. That cute smile was sucking me in and I needed to get over it because there was no way in hell Dan and I were happening. That sort of trust would need hard work to be earned and even then, Dan could never trust me fully because ... I didn't even know why, and not knowing was beginning to become really inconvenient. However at the same time ... I didn't want to know! Why did my life have to become complicated again?

~ 

I lay in bed that night staring intently at the ceiling. The rest of the evening, even though it started off well, felt strained. Conversation was fairly mechanical and didn't flow with ease. I hated it - I hated this game Dan and I were playing. We were dodging and sidestepping a pressing issue and I didn't know if I could handle it. I wanted to be friends with Dan but ...

But this relationship was damaging both of us. I was starting to think about not trying as hard and just being friendly in the work office. 'Tomorrow, I'll ask him if he really wants to be friends or if he really just wants to tolerate me. I can't continue this right now - I'm trying to get my life back on track not unearth those things I want to keep buried. Being with Dan won't only dig up bad memories for me but for him also.' I thought sadly.

I needed to aim for a good working relationship unless Dan told me for real that he wasn't uncomfortable with the situation. If he really wanted to fight for our new friendship then I'd undoubtedly grit and bear it for his sake but ... if it was hurting both of us we'd be better off without.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	13. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204276949-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-12-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/153648023469/forget-you-12

I had been staring at the printer for nearly ten minutes. My mind had been disappearing down dan-shaped rabbit holes all day and it was honestly beginning to annoy me. I knew I had to ask Dan if he was alright with our current arrangement. The thought was making me really nervous and I had this uncomfortable feeling in my stomach all morning. I planned to ask him at the end of the day t avoid awkwardness in the office during the day.

"Dude, Leo's been looking for the files." Jack's voice suddenly announced. I jumped at the sound before scrambling about to grab the paper from the printer.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm not feeling like myself today." I fumbled before handing Jack the stack of files. Jack raised an eyebrow but he wore a soft smile. 

"Don't worry about it Phil, he's not going to chop your balls off. He's the chillest guy in the office, he was just wondering where you'd gone." Jack explained and I relaxed a little. 

"Ok."

"Are you ok?" Jack asked curiously.

"Not really, but I'd rather not talk about it." I admitted, hoping Jack wouldn't take offence. 

"Hey it's fine. Everyone deserves privacy. I'm just a little concerned." Jack smiled.

"Thanks, I'm ok really. We should probably get back to the others and reassure them I'm alive." I chuckled weakly. Jack nodded, not saying anything else. I followed him back to the office and as soon as we walked through the door, my eyes automatically landed on Dan.

Dan had looked up to see who had walked in the room but as soon as we connected eyes, they diverted back down to the desk. I swallowed - something wasn't right. It hadn't been right since yesterday. Dan and I definitely needed to talk now. 

"Ah, there you are Philip. Did you get lost?" Leo chuckled.

"Something like that." I replied, avoiding talking about it.

"Alright, well if you could take notes that would be really helpful." He smiled and nodded my head. Throughout the whole session I tried to pay attention and take as many notes as possible but sometimes my attention slipped to the quiet boy who was doing his own work very quietly. I felt the guilt gnawing at my stomach - whenever Dan was uncomfortable it had always been my fault. Clearly that's what had happened again. 

When lunch time rolled round I got too impatient. The tense atmosphere was making me sick and I needed to know. 

"Dan." I spoke softly as the others left the room. Dan flinched, the action made me swallow.

"Hey." He said with fake enthusiasm.

"Um ... are you ... were you alright yesterday? I mean ... are we okay?" I asked, all my nervous causing my mouth not to work properly. 

"I'm fine- we're fine." Dan says a little too quickly, grabbing his bag and walking past me. 

"Are you sure, you seem..." I trailed off, walking after him.

He turned round with a slight frown, "Yeah, we're good. Why wouldn't we be good?" He asked in a more defensive tone than before.

"I don't kn-" I stumbled over my words only for dan to interrupt me.

"See then we're good." Dan stated and walked away. I sighed.

"We're obviously not good."

~

"I don't know what to do. He hasn't looked me in the eye once." 

"It's a tricky situation hun." Louise sympathised through the phone.

"I don't know what to say, he seems so defensive and I don't know how to approach the subject again." I admitted, rubbing my temples in frustration.

"I think you can only be blunt with the boy. Being subtle will only create opportunities for him to avoid it." Louise instructed. 

"But what if it scares him off?" I groaned, tugging at my hair a little. The whole situation with Dan was starting to cause major stress to my mental health. 

"Then let him be scared off, you can approach the subject again when he's ready to talk about it." Louise continued. 

"But what if he's never ready to talk about it?" I asked again.

"Phil ..." She sighed. "What if's aren't going to help. He's going to have to be ready one day even if it isn't in the near future and it's your job to make him comfortable enough or force him to face it head on because it's going to be a strain on both your lives unless you do something. Ignoring the problem isn't going to solve it. Just talk to him." 

"I know I know ... it's just difficult." I muttered.

"A situation like yours is never going to be anything less than complex honey. I know it's tough but to move on you have to push through. Talk to Dan, get it out the way and see where you both stand." Louise added wisely. 

"Ok ... alright." I nodded even though she couldn't see me.

"Ask him again at the end of the day. The first step to solving this is finding out the reason he was uncomfortable since yesterday. After that you can create a solution." Louise listed. 

"Thanks Lou, I need to eat my lunch now. I'll be sure to talk to him." I sighed and we said our goodbyes before I hung up. I gnawed at my lip and clutched my phone tight in my grip. I had a vague idea of why Dan was uncomfortable with me. I just hoped he didn't reveal anything when I asked again. He promised he wouldn't say anything even if he was angry but that doesn't mean things won't slip out. I suddenly stopped myself. If I thought about it too much I'd probably have another panic attack and I really wasn't in the mood after the morning I'd had. 

Gritting my teeth, I stood up from the bench and went inside to get some lunch before break was over and he'd have to get back to work.

~

Usually afternoon went by slowly until the end of the work day but somehow it had crept up on me quickly. I had been gripping the table and staring anxiously at the clock. I hated confrontation yet here I was ready to quizz Dan on his mood swing. 

I had half a document of notes in front of me. I would have had to finish it at home considering how unproductive I'd been that day. It showed just how much Dan and I's situation had to be resolved - it was interfering with my work and day-to-day life. I couldn't carry on being nervous daily. 

"Alright guys, good work today." Leo grinned. 

"Thanks Captain." Jack teased, earning him a swat round the head. 

"Geez, stop flirting you two. You're going to make me vom." Susan rolled her eyes.

"Haha, I'm laughing so hard." Jack said sarcastically. 

"Alright enough." Leo rolled his eyes. "Right, before you all go I have an announcement." Everyone focused on the boy. "Now, some of my uni friends are in town and I'm a having a party this weekend. I'd like you guys to come along too." Leo beamed.

"I'm in." Jack agreed.

"Will there be boos?" Susan smirked.

Leo rolled his eyes. "It's all about alcohol with you isn't it?" 

"Duh." 

"Yes there'll be alcohol." Leo sighed.

"Count me in too then." A voice piped up and all eyes turned to Dan who had hardly spoke a word. I felt my heart sink when he didn't spare a glance in my direction.

"Great, what about you Phil? Can you make it?" Leo asked hopefully.

"Oh, um, which day is it?" I asked, not too sure if a party was a good idea. I was a big lightweight and didn't have such a great relationship with alcohol considering it was the cause of my Amnesia. I wasn't hugely social and the thought of a stuffy and noisy atmosphere full of drunk and rowdy people didn't exactly encourage me to go. 

"Sunday. Don't worry I'll be the sober host and make sure you guys don't get too much of a Monday hangover because we have a project to start." Leo reassured. 

"Right um ... ok." I caved, Leo looked so happy about it and I really liked the guy. I didn't want to disappoint him especially when I didn't have any plans on Sunday anyway. 

"Yes, ok great. Well have a nice night guys, we'll pick it up again tomorrow." Leo informed before grabbing his jacket and bag and leaving the office with the rest soon following after. I immediately noticed how quickly Dan was packing away and followed suite. I couldn't let him get away. 

"Dan!" I called as he started to leave. I grabbed my bag and raced after him. He ignored me and power walked down the hall and out the front door. "Dan!" I called again, much louder. Loud enough that he couldn't ignore it. He slowed down a little and looked over his shoulder but didn't stop.

I let out an annoyed huff and caught up. "Dan please." I urged. 

"Phil I need to hurry-"

"No you fucking don't." I find myself snapping which surprised even myself. Dan looked at me a little wide eyed. He soon recovered and suddenly he was glaring at me.

"I don't think you get to decide that for me Phil." He said through gritted teeth.

"I know you're avoiding me Dan. Just tell me what's wrong. I'm not fucking stupid. Things went downhill yesterday - I'm aware of that. I want to know how we can solve it but you won't even look at me. Don't give me bullshit about us being good because I can tell we're not good. If we were good you wouldn't be acting like such a dick." I find myself saying. I knew I was being a little loose-tongued. I shouldn't have insulted him as it only made the situation worse. However him saying we were fine when we so obviously weren't pissed me off. Did he think I was stupid?

Dan narrowed his eyes. "I don't know what you're talking about asshole. Clearly we're not good anymore after that little speech. Don't think you know what goes on in my head." Dan snapped.

I only felt myself get more angry. "I don't know what's going on in your head Dan! That's what I'm trying to figure out considering you've been giving me the cold shoulder all day!" My voice raised a little. 

"Well stay out of my head! Stop trying to suss me out!" He nearly yelled.

"It's not about sussing you out Dan! It's about you avoiding the obvious. Stop thinking I'm stupid enough not to notice that you can't look me in the eye. Stop thinking I won't notice when you say we're fine but you try to get away from me. Stop thinking I'm just going to ignore it like you so clearly are trying to do!" I was definitely yelling now.

"FINE!" Dan suddenly snapped. "You could have left it one fucking day Lester, I would have been normal again. But you've just made me even more sure of what's been bothering me all day!" Dan growled. 

"And what is that Daniel?" I asked impatiently.

"THAT I CAN'T FUCKING TRUST YOU!" 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	14. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204278213-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-13~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/153353555249/forget-you-12

I shakily closed the door with a soft click. I stood motionless with my hand still on the handle for a moment. I didn't know what to do. 

"Phil?" I heard Louise's cautious tone. I hummed in response - feeling emotionally drained. "So the talk ... it didn't go too well then." Louise sighed and I removed my hand from the door. I tiredly turned to her and nodded solemnly. "Oh babes." Louise cooed softly and pulled me into a reassuring hug.

"I don't ..." I started shakily but the rest of the sentence wouldn't come to me.

Louise shushed me. "Come on, I'll fix you some coffee and we'll talk properly." She lead me to our living room and sat me down on the sofa. She patted my head as she left the room. I couldn't hep the soft smile that crawled on to my face. Louise was very maternal - I couldn't help thinking one day she'd be an incredible mother. She already did a great job of taking care of me, I probably counted as a child.

"Here you go." She handed me a mug of steaming coffee which I gratefully cradled. I couldn't help appreciate the ceramic heat on my cold fingers for a moment. Louise didn't say anything, she waited patiently for me to begin the story at my own pace. I loved how well she knew me. 

I took a preparatory sip. "I knew Dan and I had left it on awkward terms ... I just didn't know what had specifically bothered Dan. Now that he's told me I kind of wish I didn't know." I grumbled. Dan saying he couldn't ever trust me only added fuel to the fire that was past asshole Lester. I really cared about Dan's opinion of me, even if I didn't have a crush on me - for some reason how he sees me is important. Honestly it was annoying considering there were many factors that pointed towards him not liking me very much. Not that I knew half of them considering they were locked in the box known as 'Phil Lester's forgotten memories'. 

"And what is it?" Louise asked softly as to not jolt me out of deep thought or startle me. Honestly I wasn't that fragile - only disappointed and probably moody that Dan couldn't trust me. It was nice of her to be that cautious though as my panic attacks were nothing to laugh about. 

"He said he'd been thinking about whether he could trust me or not. I kind of went about it the wrong way though. He kept ignoring me as I was trying to talk to him and his got me angry. I blew up at him and we got in an argument. He said he definitely couldn't trust me after that since I'd pushed him. Honestly I'm glad what he said left me in shock. If I had let it sink in all at once I would have ended up having a pretty bad panic attack in front of him. That's would've been embarrassing." I admitted sheepishly.

"It's a tricky situation. What do you think about all of it though? Do you really think he can't trust you or do you think it's just the anger talking?" I could almost see the therapist's notebook and glasses on the bridge of her nose. My personal problem solver. 

"I don't know. Despite the heat he seemed pretty genuine. I mean I don't blame him. I was obviously a dick in the past." I could feel the lump in my throat and the sting in my eyes. I hated mean disrespectful people. The thought of me being one of those people made me feel so ashamed.

"Phil, Phil, stop. Stop thinking about that - even if that was the case you aren't the same person. You are the new Phil Lester and you don't owe the old one anything - including association! You are a fucking dream to be around so don't think for a second that you are anything less than an amazing person. Now deep breaths - I think you've had enough grief today without an attack." Louise scolded and put her hands on my shoulders.

I let out a shaky breath and gave her a watery smile. "You're the best."

"Well obviously but let's not go into that right now." She smirked and I couldn't help laugh. "Come on, I'm not letting you mope - we're watching Buffy. I'm sure you and Dan can work it out tomorrow. Clearly he was just freaked, I'm sure he'll come around." 

I nodded but a little doubt still lingered. Dan and I had agreed we'd start afresh but I hadn't really considered just how one sided the difficulty of that would be. Dan's the one with all the bad memories not me. He's the one to who has to sacrifice and compromise. He's the one in pain and I hated putting that responsibility on him whilst I stood idly off to the side.

But ... I couldn't bring myself to share the burden.

~

It was 11.30 PM and I was distracting myself with tumblr. Honestly I didn't want to think about it for the rest of the night. I'd spent enough time thinking about Dan and I relationship and I wanted a break. 

However fate didn't agree.

I was halfway through an anime fan video when my phone vibrated on my side table. Curiously, I paused the video and grabbed my phone. I regretted it as soon as I saw the text notification. Dan.

'Hey ... are you okay? I'm really sorry about today - I know how sensitive you are to me accusing you about things related to the past. I was being petty and I shouldn't have avoided you. Please call me.'

I gripped my phone tightly. Dan wanted to fix things? My heart raced and I wasn't exactly sure on what I should do. My body somehow did though because I had suddenly hit dial and lifted the device to my ear. The phone only rang once before it was picked up on the other line.

"Phil?" Was the first thing the voice asked.

"Uh ... yeah." I answered awkwardly.

"I'm glad you called. Look ... about today I really am sorry for saying what I did. I really do want to have a good relationship with you and I should just let it all be water under the bridge. So ... I'm sorry."

I was speechless for a moment. "I ... I want to have a good relationship also." Somehow it sounded better in my head and I blushed a little. 

"I'm glad ... are you alright?" He asked a little more softly - something about his voice sent a shiver down my spine. It was so undeniable full of warmth and I couldn't help but love it. I loved his voice in general - it was so passionate.

Breaking myself from that train of thought, I focused back on the conversation. "Um yeah I'm fine. Why do you ask?" I asked curiously.

"It's just ... well." He sighed. "You had a panic attack the other day and I was worried I'd caused another one. If I have I'm so sorry I'm such a dick-" I tuned out a little because my thoughts were going a little crazy. Dan knew about my panic attacks and he was worried about me. Again I felt the unsteady pace of my heart. Just hearing those words made me glow. 

'Godamnit.' I thought in annoyance. 'I really can't escape these feelings can I?' Dan was too precious. He found ways to make me hold on to what we had even though I should really leave and let him live his life without the major inconvenience that is me. "Don't worry, I didn't have one. Louise was here to calm me down in case." I answered truthfully. 

"Well that's good ... again I'm sorry."

I smiled, "Dan it's fine. As you said, water under the bridge."

"Ok good, so we can start a clean slate? I just ... I feel like I've gained a new friend and it'd suck to lose him so soon." I could hear the hint of hope in his tone and it made me smile wider.

"Yeah, clean slate." I agreed.

"Thanks Phil. Good night."

"Good night Dan."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	15. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204279641-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-14-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/153647769874/forget-you-14

I giggled. Dan frowned at me.

"What?" He asked in annoyance.

"You've got cream on your nose." I giggled again and snapped a quick picture on my phone.

"Hey!" Dan pouted and rubbed the cream off his nose. "Delete that."

"Delete what?" I asked innocently. He narrowed his eyes at me.

"Fine be that way, just know that I'm going to take an embarrassing photo of you one day and I'll show every one." Dan retorted.

I smirked smugly. "Well that day isn't today so I think I'll keep the photo for now." I stuck my tongue out.

"My god you're irritating sometimes." He grumbled into his coffee.

I was about to say 'but you love me anyway' but I stopped myself. Maybe that was a little too inappropriate after things had just started to get on good terms. "Well get used to it." I decided on instead - smirk still planted on my lips.

Dan and I had had a good week. I thought it would take a while for us to get back on track but it was surprisingly easy to slip back into our friendship. I didn't want to question it too much since it might unearth questions I didn't want to know but also because I didn't feel the need to question it when we were having fun.

It didn't come without small difficulties. We were more comfortable with each other but Dan still couldn't look me in the eye. I believed it was something I'd have to get used to and ease him into doing one day. It could work with time. That's all we needed - time. Time to heal, time to start afresh and time together.

"Are you still coming to Leo's party tomorrow?" Dan asked curiously, changing the topic.

"Oh." I had completely forgotten about the party. I didn't have any plans and it was nice to be invited and have the opportunity to get to know my work mates better. "I think I am yeah."

"Cool, do you want me to pick you up? I know his address." Dan offered and I tried to ignore my quickened pulse. Jesus christ.

"That would be great thank you." I beamed gratefully.

"Word of warning, Susan is a crazy drunk. After ten things will definitely be coming off."

"Oh god." I chuckled and sipped my own coffee. Dan grinned. I loved Dan's smile - it was so pretty. God all of him was so pretty. If I had to choose one face to look at for the rest of my life it'd be his. Don't even get me started on his dimples. I tried to pull my mind out of the gutter before it went to dimple kissing territory.

"Yeah." Dan giggled.

"Jack's quite a sexual predator drunk so be careful there. Leo's more of the emotional drunk. He's probably the most stressed in the office since he's in charge. I guess it all just comes out once his censorship disappears." Dan pondered aloud and I shook my head with a smile. I was glad that things had started to feel so natural. Dan was really funny and I loved everything about him - including his awkward side. If anything his awkward side was adorable.

"Well I'll be careful then."

"Don't worry we can stick together. That way we always have someone to talk to - honestly I'm not a fan of social gatherings." Dan admitted.

"Sounds like a plan. I'm not one much for socialising either - I'd much prefer to be in bed scrolling through tumblr." I agreed.

"I know right." Dan accentuated. I giggled. A few moments of comfortable silence went by and I pulled out my phone to check if I had any texts. "Hey." I lifted my head up from the screen and hummed in reply. "Want to come to mine?" He asked, looking a little anxious.

My eyes went a little wide. Dan's private space was probably important to him and letting me in that space was doing annoying things to my heart. Was Dan ready to let me in more already? "Yeah ... yeah sounds good."

Dan visibly relaxed. "Ok good. Don't worry I have Netfix." he reassured as we got up and chucked our cups in the bin.

"It's a little too early for Netflix and Chill isn't it?" I teased before tensing up. 'Shit that was probably inappropriate.'

"Shut up!" Dan said but there was no heat behind the words - only a little in his cheeks. Godamnit I probably made him uncomfortable again.

"I'm sorry if that was inappropriate." I find myself fumbling to say.

Dan turned to me and gave me a reassuring smile, "Don't worry about it Phil, it was only a joke."

"Ok, just tell me if I say something stupid. I don't want us to be awkward and drift apart again." i muttered.

"I'll be sure to do that." Dan confirmed before leading the way to his flat.

~

"PHIL YOU FUCKING TWAT BAG. CAN YOU BE ANY MORE OF AN IDIOT? YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED!" Dan screamed and I panicked.

"Oh for god- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU MISSED THE FUCKING-Oh give it here." Dan growled, grabbing the controller from me.

"I'm sorry!" I exclaimed in annoyance, watching as Dan effortlessly manoeuvred through the sonic level.

"You're terrible." Dan shook his head disapprovingly.

"Hey!" I pouted, making Dan smirk. I huffed and crossed my arms before watching him complete the level.

"And that is how the master does it." He boasted.

"Cheat." I muttered.

"What was that?" Dan taunted.

"Wheat." I blurted.

"What?" Dan asked, looking completely lost.

"Nothing. I'm hungry." I grumbled.

"Wow you're demanding." Dan rolled his eyes but reached for his phone. "Pizza?"

"Is that even a question?"

"No but your type of pizza is." Dan looked up expectantly.

"Ham and pineapple."

Dan grimaced. "What is wrong with you?" He asked incredulously. I laughed.

"I'm joking, get me a Pepperoni." I corrected and grabbed my phone, checking to see if Louise had texted me.

'Yo what's happening? Do I need to fix dinner? x'

I smiled- definitely a maternal figure.

'No don't worry about it. Dan and I eating at his place. Catch you later x'

"Alright, they should be here in 25 minutes." Dan grinned. I smiled in return. We spent the evening eating pizza and commenting on a new TV show - Stranger Things. Dan and I found ourselves talking for hours and it wasn't long until midnight rolled around.

Dan's speech was getting more slurred and his eyes looked heavy. I myself was feeling the effects of the working week. I really needed to get home and sleep. I decided I'd leave after the episode we were watching was finished. There was only 15 minutes to go when something warm hit my shoulder. My breath hitched when I saw the sleeping Dan.

He breathed softly through parted pink lips. I swallowed as I felt a fuzzy feeling in my stomach - the boy was too adorable for his own good. How did he not expect me to fall for him? Honestly I had just accepted that these growing feelings for Dan weren't going to go away anytime soon but it was hard to embrace them also. Dan and I's relationship was nothing but complex and there was enough problems to deal with without the added romance.

I stayed and watched Dan for 15 more minutes until the episode was over. I sighed and kissed his fluffy head before carefully removing myself from the couch and placing him down gently. I scanned the room before landing on a blanket and wrapped it around him. He looked a lot younger when he was asleep. The boy had a lot of complex walls to protect himself so it was nice to catch a glimpse of his vulnerable side.

"Stupid Dan Howell and his stupid pink lips." I muttered as I left the apartment.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	16. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204280862-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-15-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/153952778674/forget-you-15

"LOUISE!" I called frantically as I held up two shirts.

"WHAT?" Came the reply from across the apartment.

"HELP ME!" I pleaded and slumped down on my bed in annoyance. Clothes were strewn across every surface of my floor. 

"Jesus christ it's like the laundry blitz in here. What happened?" Louise chuckled and stepped carefully through the mess.

"I don't know what to wear. What do you wear to parties?" I asked, completely lost.

"Honey I don't think what I wear to parties will be of any help to you." She smirked. I scowled at her smug face.

"You know what I meant. I don't know what's suitable." I whined, picking up a blue shirt and examining it. 

"Well it's a work colleague right? And he's invited college friends so ... smart casual should do it." Louise pondered, sifting through the shirt tsunami. 

"Smart casual?" I enquired in confusion. Louise didn't answer and continued to look through my clothes to find the appropriate wear. 

"Ah yes. This will do it. You want to look hot for our dearest Daniel don't you?" She grinned and held up a red-maroon button up with white hearts. I rolled my eyes at her comment but took the garment form her grasp and trusted her intuition. "Chop chop Prince Charming will be here in 20 minutes." Louise shooed.

"Alright alright." I grumbled as I was ushered into my en suite. I locked the door behind me and switched shirts then straightened my hair. "Glasses on or off?" I called through the door. 

"Off - they look better with blue clothing since it brings out your eyes behind the lenses." She replied knowledgeably. I didn't understand how the women's brain worked when it came to fashion but she seemed confident and I trusted her confidence.

I gave myself a once over in the mirror and deemed myself acceptable before putting a small splash of cologne on ... not for any particular reason or anything. When I exited the bathroom, my phone was thrust in my face. "Dan's waiting for you." Louise stated before my eyes could focus on the notification on my phone screen. 

"What? He's early!" I exclaimed and grabbed my phone, keys and wallet. I quickly panicked over whether I needed anything else before getting pushed into the hall by Louise and ordered to put some shoes on and not keep him waiting. 

"Go for it babes. I want a full page essay of the details on my desk tomorrow morning though!" Louise teased and I chuckled before pulling my jacket over my shoulders. "Don't be too late." She warned.

"Jesus alright mum!" I laughed and hurried out the door. "SEE YOU LATER!" I called over my shoulder before running down the stairs to the foyer. I caught my breath a little before smiling as I saw him waiting near the door. My eyes went a little wide as I took in his appearance. He was wearing a white moth button up shirt and black leather jacket accompanied by signature skinny jeans and spiked black shoes. Let's not forget the perfectly styled hair and black earrings. Okay, so Dan looked really hot in black. 

"Hey." I smiled and he turned round with a grin in reply, sliding his phone into his pocket. I felt my body heat up a little when he did a once over of my outfit as I approached. I couldn't tell what he was feeling because he turned to face the door.

"Ready to go?" He asked over his shoulder. When I said yes we went out and got in his car.

"How far away is it?" I asked curiously, securing the seatbelt in place.

"Don't worry it isn't too far from here." Dan smiled reassuringly before starting the car. The car journey, albeit short, was comfortably quiet with the occasional bit of small talk. I was glad that we had progressed enough to not feel awkward in each others presence when silence fell.

~

"Phul Phul Phl." Dan slurred and tugged on my arm aggressively. 

"Whut?" I asked, blinking my eyes lazily. 

"Looooook." He giggled and wobbly pointed at a corner of the room. I frowned and squinted to see what he was showing me. Once my vision finally focused I caught sight of two figures aggressively making out against a wall. "They're kiiiiiiissiiiiiiing." Dan sang and laughed as he leaned into me. I laughed too even though I didn't know what was funny.

"Who s'kissing?" I asked through giggles.

"Jack 'n Susan!" Dan exclaimed and collapsed into a second round of giggles. I gaped at the couple in the corner and realised it was in fact Jack and Susan kissing. 

"Oh my god!" I exclaimed in shock and gripped Dan's shoulder.

"Ther really gon at it." Dan wheezed. I grinned lazily at him and took a swig of my drink. Dan and I had been together all evening and occasionally chatted to Jack, Susan, Leo and Leo's friends. Two hours in and Dan got completely smashed - I hadn't drank loads but being a total lightweight had me laughing hysterically along with the fuzzy minded Dan.

"Oh, groping!" I laughed.

"HE TOUCHED THE BUTT! GET IT PHUL? LIKE NEMO-" Dan once again started laughing and I wondered whether Dan's face was going to fix itself into a permanent smile. I remembered thinking I wouldn't mind kissing that smile. We fell into a comfortable silence for a little while - my mind went a little blank as I stared blearily up at the white ceiling.

"Y'look hot." I heard a mumble from beside me and slowly turned my head to find Dan's eyes on me.

"Hmmmm?" I hummed in confusion, a little woozy and not completely letting the information sink in. 

"Y'look ... nice." Dan said a little slower. He turned on his side and rested his head on the back of the couch, facing me. I mirrored him, not really processing what I was doing in my half-asleep state. "Eyes." Dan ended up saying and reached out his large hand to cup my face. I leaned into the warm touch, my usual barriers not making an appearance. I wanted to be held by him. I liked the hot touch on my skin. I felt shivers travel through my body when his thumb softly caressed my cheek. 

We stayed like that for a few moments before Dan leaned forward and rested our foreheads together. "Were a'ways beautiful." He slurred and moved the hand on my cheek into my hair. I closed my eyes and relished the feeling of his fingers combing through my locks. Again tingles ran down my spine. Everything in me was drawn to the seductive being of Dan Howell and I didn't want to fight it in that moment. I wanted to forget about the past and the amnesia and just throw caution to the wind and kiss him.

Turns out I didn't need to because Dan ended up fitted those pink lips with mine. It took a moment for my slow brain to realise it but slowly the gears started to turn and I reciprocated the kiss. My fingers twitched with the urge to touch him so I started to move them towards Dan's waist. However a sudden clarity washed over me and I stopped kissing Dan. A slither of my sober mind was bleeding through the hazy exterior. 

This shouldn't be happening. Dan was drunk and acting on old feelings. I was taking advantage of him. I couldn't have that - I couldn't take advantage of Dan's feelings like that. "Man." I mumbled against Dan's lips and gently pulled away. "Dan." I tried again, a little breathily.

"What?" he mumbled through a heavy lidded gaze.

"You don't want that. You're too drunk to be sensible." Phil reasoned, proud that he could string an intelligible sentence together. 

Dan stared at me with a furrowed brow of confusion for a while until he relaxed into the sofa cushions. "M'kay, l'drive you home." He rubbed his bleary eyes. 

I giggled. "You'd crash." I stated and dodged his half-hearted swat. 

"D'not." He grumbled.

"Come on, I'll get a taxi." I yawned and helped the drunk boy to his feet. The little revelation had sobered me up somewhat - enough to call two taxis and send both Dan and I back safely. Louise had a lot of fun with drunk Phil when I arrived home. I hardly remembered the events from walking through the door to being wrapped up in bed but I fell asleep quickly thinking of coffee eyes and pretty pink lips.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	17. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204282713-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-16-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/154259066879/forget-you-16

"Can ye fuck off?" Dan exclaimed irritably as Leo and Susan jeered at him. They had been the only two in the office to not suffer from a raging hang over on Monday morning. I myself was feeling alright with only a mild headache. 

"I told you not to drink too much. You're lucky I extended the deadline for us." Leo smirked, poking Dan in the side and earning a punch in the arm as a result.

"Fuck off." Dan groaned again - swear words seemed to be the only reply he could muster that morning. 

"It's your own fault Danny, you just don't know when to stop do you?" Susan gave a catty grin - I could practically see her pearly white canines and whiskers. 

"Like you're one to talk mrs snog-fest." Dan snapped back but winced when it caused his headache to twinge. Susan glared at Dan, casting a quick glance at Jack but he was curled in on himself and oblivious to the conversation around him. Dan and I had been the only ones to remember their little incident but there was a silent agreement to keep it on the down low as respect to their privacy. Well I had, grumpy Dan didn't seem to get the memo.

"Shut your gob Howell. YOU SHOULD REALLY WATCH WHAT YOU SAY!" Susan shouted in Dan's ear as punishment and Dan cringed away from the noise.

"WILL YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP! I'M DYING HERE!" Jack suddenly blurted from his office chair.

"Whoa there big baby." Susan grinned, seeming to have had her fun with Dan and averted her attention to Jack instead. I could tell dan was only grateful.

"Now, now. We should really get some work done." Leo intervened. Clearly he was finished with his teasing. "It looks like Susan, Phil and I will be doing most of the morning work but you guys have to pick up the slack after lunch got it?" Leo instructed. Dan and Jack grumbled in response. "Good, now you guys get some water and rest. We'll get on with the project." 

I watched with a fond smile as Dan and Jack wobbled out of the room to the lounge area on our floor. The party was kind of a blur in my mind but I remembered the important bits like Dan and the kissing and the conversation we'd had. Dan was very drunk so I doubted he'd remember it at all. I didn't mind that, honestly it would have only create more awkwardness. Of course I'd tell him if he asked though, we still needed to maintain the trust we were building.

Not talking about it didn't stop me from thinking about it. Dan's lips on mine had become a re-occurring film in my brain's DVD player and it was on repeat. Just thinking about the texture of his lips had my insides performing aerobics and the boy seriously needed to stop distracting me at work. I shouldn't have been reading too much into it anyway - Dan would never actually be in a relationship with me after the horrible thing I'd done to him, or even plural things I'd done ... but whatever - semantics.

"Right, let's start." Leo sighed and I tried to tear my mind away from Dan and back on work.

~

"How are you feeling?" I asked in concern later at lunch. Dan sipped from his water bottle.

"Better. Just a bit of light throbbing I s'pose." Dan shrugged, looking a little tired. I nodded silently. "Hey," he said after a moment of comfortable silence and lunch eating. "What um ... do you remember what happened after around 11?" Dan asked whilst rubbing his forehead as if trying to summon the memories like a genie from a lamp.

"I remember the significant things I guess. Why? Blank slate?" I asked, avoiding the question a little. I felt the small trickles of dread over the conversation but I knew I'd have to tell him what happened in case he remembered and felt betrayed that I didn't share it with him in the future. I wasn't breaking our trust again. 

"Yeah I guess. It's all very blurry." Dan chuckled softly. I counted the seconds that went by until he asked the obvious question. 12. "What happened?"

"Um ... in order of events?" I stalled.

"Sure." He shrugged and took another sip.

"Ok ... well you got drunk pretty quickly so after the drinks we sort of talked to the guys a lot and some of Leo's friends. There might have been some drinking games in there somewhere I'm not completely sure- we were sort of going back and forth. Then later we sort of retired to the couch in the corner and talked about some pretty deep stuff ..." I swallowed as I neared the bit I dreaded. Dan hummed, waiting for me to finish telling him. "Then something ... well you remember the kiss between Susan and Jack ..." I was stalling again.

"Yeah for some reason that stuck. Happy it did, I'm going to have fun teasing Jack later." Dan smirked. He looked over at me and waited to see if I would continue. For a second my mind whispered not to tell him - that little thought of retreat made me hesitate. However I blurted out words to at least force myself to talk.

"Yeah, well, after, um ... we sort of um ... I guess we were completely smashed and you- or I, never mind that doesn't matter-" I rambled. 

Dan giggled. "Come on Phil. Out with it." He raised an eyebrow.

"We kissed." I blurted and glanced sideways at Dan to gouge his reaction. As expected it wasn't a happy one. He went very pale very quickly and I found myself fumbling to explain. "I-it didn't last long don't worry - you didn't know what you were doing. I didn't kiss back- well a little but that's cause I was smashed but don't worry I stopped you before we went on too long. I called us a taxi after that." I finished in one breath. 

Dan took a long inhale through his nose before nodding. He was still very pale. "Yeah, yeah ... don't read into that. Heat of the moment stuff, yeah." He frowned. I didn't feel like he was speaking directly to me but himself. I didn't dwell on it though - he was likely to be in shock. I felt a small bit of panic at the possible wedge that could insert itself between us at any moment. 

"Dan ... it's ok right? Let's just forget about it - it didn't mean anything ... we're good right?" I asked worriedly.

Dan snapped out of his shock and looked directly in my eyes for the first time. It made my heart skip a beat and my breath hitch. I didn't realise how intense looking into his eyes could feel. He blinked quickly before sucking his lips in. "Yeah Phil. We're good don't worry. Just forget about it yeah?" He asked but his voice was soft. I nodded and he gave me a smile. I felt my heart sink - was it a sad smile?

"Dan ..." I started as he got up.

"We're seriously fine Phil. I just need to ... process. I'm going to try focus on work, we'll talk later ok?" He asked. Usually I'd take this as a sign that the awkwardness was going to return but he continued to look me in the eye. He sounded sincere, so I would believe him. 

"Ok." I agreed

~

I hear laughter and there's a blurry face in front of me. The fuzzy figure grabs my hand and pulls me onward - it's bright. They are bright. He is bright. Such a bright smile. Is that a dimple? I can't tell. They are kissing me. I can feel the heat on my lips. They're talking but I can't make it out. They're crying. He's crying. We're kissing. He's crying. I'm crying. I'm screaming. I can't breath. Why can't I. I can't breath. I can't ...

"NO!" I scream. Tears flooded my cheeks. The door slams open. "NO I DON'T WANT LEAVE ME ALO- LOUISE- DAN, NO!" I screamed out, sobbing and gasping.

"PHIL!" I heard a voice call out to me but it got lost in my panic. 

"LOU BUT NO! MEMORIES AREN'T- NO! I CAN'T ... CAN'T ... NO I CAN'T. I DON'T WANT THEM LOUISE ... I CAN'T ... I CAN'T BREATH! NO!" I continued my frantic shrieking and I felt arms rocking me but I couldn't stop. I didn't want them. I didn't want to know.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	18. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204283936-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-17-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/154547143504/forget-you-17

I had been staring at my screen for fifteen minutes and 26 seconds. My mind wouldn't stop whirring. Work had started half an hour ago and I had gotten straight into typing out paragraphs for the project but my mind wouldn't calm. It had been on edge since this morning since ...

Just thinking about it had me on edge. I hated getting the flashes. The flashes from the dream. It was Dan - it had to be Dan. I was terrified. I didn't want to know it was Dan. 

I stopped myself. If I thought about it I'd have a repeat of that morning. Louise had tried to calm me for half an hour until it finally stopped - the panic. I focused on the screen again. Sixteen minutes and 24 seconds. I forced my twitching fingers to finally make words even if they didn't make sense at first. I latched onto productivity and tried to put all my focus on the work at hand.

Don't think.

Don't think about.

Dont.

Don't think about it.

"Morning." My eyes ripped from the letters on my screen to the boy walking through the door. 

"Morning sunshine." Susan replied distractedly as she furiously typed away on her laptop. 

"Hey Dan. Can you help me with this real quick?" Jack called and Dan nodded, setting his satchel down and taking his scarf off. His eyes met mine briefly and I held my breath.

Don't think. Don't. Don't th- don't. Don't think about-

He smiled at me but quickly focused his attention on Jack's computer screen. I averted my eyes. My palms were clammy and my heart was going too fast. I needed to stop. I needed to work. Work was good. Let's work. I focused on work.

~

"Hey Phil." Dan smiled kindly at our break. We hadn't managed to talk since we were all pretty busy with the newest project because we were releasing it soon. My body momentarily tensed and I forced myself to look up at him from my desk.

Act normal.

"Hi Dan."

"Look about yesterday. Sorry about that, I promise no avoiding like last time okay?" He smiled. He wasn't pale anymore. I filtered his words before forcing a smile.

"That's good to hear." Dan nodded, his eyebrows furrowed a little. 

Uh oh he knows - of course he knows. He knew- NO DON'T THINK. I need to go before. I need to go so he doesn't-

"Sorry I need to head to the printer. I'll talk later yeah? Bye." I smiled stiffly and made my escape. Now I was the one avoiding. Louise told me not to but I can't. I can't just ...

~

Louise left to get me hot chocolate. I had to leave work early. I didn't want to remember. Dan was making me remember. He had to be making me remember. Nothing else was making me remember. I had to stay away from Dan. I needed to stop this before I ...

I took in a shaky breath and stared at the TV. I tried to tune into what was playing but my thoughts wouldn't tame. Why couldn't they leave me alone? Why did I have panic attacks? Wait, no I shouldn't ask why- NO I shouldn't think ...

My breath began to excelerate. Crap no! I can't do this right now! I was on the verge of another panic attack. My breathing was getting heavier. The dream was messing me up. It was messing up my life. Just as my breathing was about to get frantic there was a knock on my door. I gasped and the shock made my panic attack fade a little. I focused my attention on the door so I wouldn't think about panicking. 

I hesitated for a moment before shakily getting to my feet and plodding over to the front door. Did Louise forget her keys? I slowly reached out and turned the door knob and let it creak open slowly. A lump formed in my throat and my stomach dropped. 

"Dan?"

He looked sheepishly at me. "Hey Phil." I cracked the door open a little more but blocked the entrance with my body. The idea of Dan invading my private space when I was trying to get him out of the private regions of mind seemed a little too much for me to handle at that moment. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked a little more rudely than I'd intended. 

"Well um ... I just- are you ok? I might be reading it wrong but you seemed a little different today and I know maybe I'm just being paranoid after what happened- I mean I probably shouldn't worry because it's usually me who avoids you- wait I didn't mean it like that-" Dan was waffling. If I wasn't on the verge of a breakdown I would have found it cute. The corners of my mouth did tug up a little but at the same time the sea of panic in my stomach was creating a storm. He noticed. "-anyway, I just came by to see if you're okay and that you weren't avoiding me or anything ..." Dan finished with an anxious look.

Shit he looks vulnerable. Many emotions attacked me at once and I didn't know how to respond. However if I didn't respond quickly he might suspect something. Talk talk talk. "I-I uh, fine - I am I- yeah. I'm good." Dan didn't look anxious anymore. He looked suspicious. 

"Really?" He asked again and suddenly his demeanour changed. He stood up straighter and he folded his arms with one leg resting in front of the other. His face was blank but his eyes were focused on me. Completely on me as if challenging me. Challenging me to what? He looked like he was defending himself. I needed to stop thinking too much of it though. I needed to reply.

"Y-yeah. I am, just didn't get a good night's sleep." I nearly gave myself a round of applause for getting those words out with minimal stuttering. However Dan didn't seem to appreciate my efforts. His whole face darkened and he unfolded his arms, fists clenched. I swallowed nervously.

"Stop lying." He spoke almost venomously. The statement floored me.

"Excuse me?" I asked in shock.

"Stop lying to me Phil! I'm not fucking stupid. Now tell me what happened." Dan snapped angrily. What the hell got into him?

"I'm not lyi-"

"Yes you are." Dan was practically seething. "You got so pissed at me the other day for avoiding you and now you have the nerve to do the same thing and pretend I'm not smart enough to notice? Was it the kiss? Because I fucking managed to get over it and you're not the one with all the trauma behind it!" Dan barked. Another twinge of panic.

"Dan don't say that." I almost whimpered. I didn't want to know.

Dan hesitated and his hard expression only softened slightly. "Then tell me why you're lying."

I froze. If I talked about it I'd panic again. It was just too much at that moment. I needed to be alone so I needed to be rid of Dan. I had to convince him. I gave him my best watery smile. "Dan, I think you've misunderstood. I'm fine, only tired and-" Dan looked ready to blow.

"DON'T GIVE ME THAT BULLSHIT!" He burst and I took a step back in shock. Why was he so angry. "I know when you're lying! I've witnessed it so many times! You've lied to me so many-" He restrained himself and reined in the anger. Meanwhile I couldn't breath - he was saying things. He was trying to make me remember. I didn't want to know. I didn't want to remember. 

I burst.

"I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THAT DAN! I DON'T WANT TO KNOW ANYTHING I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER YOU OR WHAT HAPPENED OR THINGS YOU REMEMBER. I DON'T WANT TO REMEMBER. I CAN'T REMEMBER. Please ... don't... I don't want to know what kind of person I was to have hurt you ... please ..." I sobbed and sunk to the floor. My second panic attack of the day was starting and there was nothing I could do to stop it. Dan was too much of a trigger. 

"Phil?" I hardly heard Dan's voice as my breathing got quicker. "Shit, Phil. I'm sorry. I was an asshole. I'm sorry. You're alright. I didn't mean anything. I was just angry that you were avoiding me. Please it's okay come on. Everything is ok." Dan rushed out and crouched in front of me. He put his hand on my arm and I tensed up for a moment. I kept sobbing as he led me inside my apartment and closed the door. 

My breathing got heavier but suddenly arms wrapped tightly around me and comforting words were whispered in my ear. My breathing slowed until it almost stopped altogether. I was frozen in the warm embrace of Dan's arms. It should scare me how comfortable I felt there - how warm and happy it made me. How it made me want to cry all over again and hug him back until my arms were sore. 

I hugged him back. 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	19. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204285937-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-18-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/154821432074/forget-you-18

Warm.

I was so warm. Where am I? I thought in confusion since it usually wasn't this warm in my bed. I blearily opened my eyes and blinked the sleep away. However light didn't hit my eyes - in fact it was dark. As I started to connect my brain to the rest of my body I realised something was pressed up against my face. Frowning, I pulled away from the darkness and suddenly it was bright. 

I squinted at the change but then focused hard on what I was pressed up against. I froze. A dark flush crawled up my neck and cheeks. Dan. I was pressed up against Dan. On my couch. Cuddling. I swallowed my scream of confusion and frantically assessed the situation. Dan and I had fallen asleep together on the couch - that much was obvious. I remembered crying and hugging him then him guiding me over to the couch and comforting me. I blushed when I realised I must have passed out. 

I focused on the feeling of hugging Dan for a moment. He was so warm and huggable. I glanced at his still face and admired his sleeping features. God, his eyelashes were quite long up close. He looked like an angel. I felt embarrassed just thinking it. The events of the previous day filtered back into my mind. Remembering how Dan wanted to stay and help me despite whatever I'd done to him made my heart race embarrassingly fast. I really needed to control myself.

Savouring the last few seconds of being in his hold, I breathed out my nerves. Carefully I pulled away from him and stood over his snoozing form. "Hey. Hey Dan?" I called normally but the boy didn't stir. "Dan?!" I called louder and all he did was grumbled and shuffle a bit. "DAN!" I yelled right in his ear, poking his neck in the process.

"WHAT THE FUCK?" He suddenly exclaimed - flailing about like a mad man. He clutched his neck as if it'd be violated. 

"Sorry you weren't waking up." I shrugged with a hint of a smirk. He let out a breath before sitting up and fixing his bed head. I noticed that Dan played with his hair a lot. I wondered if it was a nervous tick or just a force of habit. I didn't like to think that Dan was self conscious considering he was too beautiful to feel bad about the way he looked. 

"I'm glad to see you have higher spirits today." He smiled shyly.

"Yeah, I was a little um ... frantic you could say." I admitted sheepishly and scratched the back of my head. I wasn't too sure what to say and how to explain it. I still hadn't told him the reason why I'd broken down. 

"Are you- I mean ... are we okay? I didn't cross too far over the line did I? I'm sorry for being an asshole. I just got too angry thinking that after you made an effort to keep things normal between us you'd just abandon it. Please don't be too mad at me - I have a few trust issues." He admitted, twiddling his thumbs nervously. 

I swallowed. "No it's alright. We both did stupid things yesterday ... look I'll make some breakfast. Can we talk afterwards?" I asked hopefully.

He bit his lip in thought and checked his watch. He looked up into my eyes with a soft smile. "Yeah sure. That would be nice." His expression nearly floored me. It was so ... nice. I couldn't help smile back. Feeling a rise in mood, I hurried into the kitchen.

I started getting utensils out for making scrambled eggs and toast. Something caught my eye on the counter. A tub of hot chocolate powder sat there next to a piece of paper.

Morning lovely,

Walked in on an adorable phan sandwich and didn't want to disturb you sleeping puppies. Here's your hot chocolate Phil. I'm going to stay at Jack's tonight. Good luck ;)

~Louise

My face was very hot. I crumpled the note and threw it in the bin. "Hey Dan?!" I called through to the lounge. "Coffee or hot chocolate?" I asked.

"Are you kidding me? Sugar this early? Coffee please." He replied with sass in his tone. Phil grinned. 

"Hey I'll have you know that hot chocolate is very good for you first thing!" I replied, knowing he'd see straight through my lie. Instead of answering he appeared in the door with an incredulous look. 

"How old are you again?" He asked with a raised eyebrow.

"I'm 5 at heart and that's what matters." I retorted and spooned the coffee in the pot. 

"Yeah no kidding." He muttered in reply. I didn't question him.

"Milk?"

"Halfway."

"No sugar I take it?"

"Hit the nail on the head there Philip." 

"Someone's sassy in the mornings." I smirked and Dan let out a groggy chuckle. I waited for the coffee to heat up on the stove then moved on to cracking the eggs into a pan. It was halfway through scrambled eggs where I realised how disgustingly natural and domestic we had been. The thought made me warm inside but the niggling dread was still there. The deja vu worried me and I could only wonder if Dan felt it too - if anything he'd know for sure if we were like this befo- 

I stopped myself thinking about it. Honestly I'd prefer not to have another panic attack in front of Dan so early after calling a truce. I finished the breakfast and brought it through to the lounge. I handed him his coffee which he gratefully cradled. It was almost comical about how after one sip he looked wide awake. 

We ate our breakfast with the quiet hum of the morning TV in the background. We didn't talk much but for some reason it was comfortable - not awkward at all. I couldn't help feeling nervous once again at how at ease being around Dan made me feel. It made me worry for the future of us being around each other. Was I always going to feel dread around Dan or would it eventually fade with time? 

"So ... if it's not too much to ask. Can I ask what happened yesterday?" Dan interrupted my thoughts. I inhaled in preparation.

"I had a bit of a crazed moment. It's not about the kiss." I started, struggling to think up the next sentence in my mind. Dan stayed patiently quiet. "I had a um ... a dream." I started, looking over at him to see the furrowing of brows. "I-I ..." I let out a shaky breath because it was honestly nerve wracking. "I th-think it was a memory but I can't be sure." I finally got out and Dan looked surprised.

"Seriously?" He asked with curiosity and a hint of cautiousness. "What was it?" He questioned further. "I mean only if you're comfortable telling me." He added quickly.

"Well ... it wasn't entirely clear but it was me and one other person. A guy. We were outside ... maybe a park or a field - somewhere with green. We were laughing and kissing and ... I remember him crying at some point but I couldn't hear what they were saying. To be honest it wasn't really clear but it freaked me out a lot. I just don't want to know ..." I trembled a little after finishing, trying not to think too hard about it. I mustered up a little courage to gouge Dan's reaction.

Dan looked uncomfortable and I could see he was trying hard to keep his face neutral. I didn't even have to see his expression to know though. His silence said it all - it was a memory. I breathed harshly through my nose and focussed on keeping calm. After a moment I felt a gentle pressure on my shoulder. 

I looked over at Dan, liking his warm fingers bringing me back down to earth and away from the storm that was my paranoia. "Hey, just don't think about it. It happened and it was scary but I don't think you should waste time pondering about it. You can move on. I'd really like for us to just forget the past. I know we've done this like 10 times now but we should really just move on and live life as it comes. Let's both stop worrying about the past, alright?" He asked softly.

His words made me happy. Even though he made me anxious a lot of the time, I knew I wanted Dan with me in the future. Even if I didn't know why, he understood me and made me feel safe. I wanted to be where he was.

"Okay."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	20. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204287736-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-19-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/155168288879/forget-you-19

"Fuck off!"

"I'm serious!" I insisted.

"Just because it happened to spiderman doesn't mean it's the same thing." Dan rolled his eyes at me as we walked down the street.

"You never know! It could have been genetically engineered." I insisted further.

"A genetically mutated squirrel in Hyde park? Yeah alright Squirrel man I'll believe you when you start scaling buildings and craving nuts." Dan snickered and I shoved him playfully.

"Actually shut up." I grumbled.

"You'll probably get an infection." He added and I squeaked in shock. 

"Really?" I asked worriedly.

"Don't grey squirrel's carry disease? It kills red squirrels so why not humans?" Dan smirked.

"Shut up! Quit scaring me." I protested.

"Hey don't get pissy with me. It's not like I'm the one who got attacked by that thing because I didn't notice the signs." Dan teased.

"It looked cute and like it would stay still." I muttered moodily.

"Oh yeah, I'm sure that the genetically engineered squirrel had a conscience that prompted him to model for your awkward selfie." Dan laughed and I was tempted to shove him again. 

"You're a twat." 

"You've just noticed?" Dan smirked at me and I scowled playfully in return. Dan and I had been like this for a couple weeks now. It was constant back and forth 'banter' as he liked to put it. I had honestly been enjoying his company to the fullest and felt we'd reached common ground were everything was comfortable. Sure there were a few awkward things to overcome here and there but we were progressing very well.

I hadn't had a panic attack since that night a couple weeks ago and was honestly thankful considering there weren't particularly fun to experience and made things a lot more difficult. Dan gotten good at dodging the conversation of what happened in the past. Although I am grateful I also feel bad for him. He has to live with what happened in his subconscious and the thought of Dan never fully being comfortable with me because of what he knows make me feel sad since I am very comfortable and invested in him. 

Not to mention the crush hasn't calmed down at all. Only increased. Dan was just so beautiful and funny and articulate and passionate and so out of reach that it frustrated me. However I was more mad at myself or whoever past Phil was to have caused things to be so difficult for me now. Honestly did past Phil have no consideration for his future? I was embarrassed for him. I didn't think about these things long because otherwise it would stray to the worrying parts of how it was all possible and how I ended up losing the knowledge of that embarrassing Phil.

Luckily Dan was there to distract me a lot. It was clear that he had become my best friend. It was especially obvious at work since we were always sitting with and chatting with each other every chance we got. It was like something out of a high school drama where the two best friends did everything together. It made me very happy.

"No I guess I've always known you were a twat as soon as we met." I smirked.

"Hey I had my reasons punk." Dan smiled and it made me happy that we could casually brush over the subject now without actually talking about it. It gave me hope for us. 

"Yeah I know ... so ..." I paused, a little reluctant to ask the question that had been bothering me for a while. "Do you- I mean ... do you like anyone right now?" I asked curiously.

Dan raised an eyebrow. "What are we? In high school?" Dan teased and obviously avoiding the question. 

"Just answer Daniel." 

Dan scowled at the use of his full name. "I don't know ... I haven't really been focussing on romance lately. It's been pretty full on since the new guy came into the office. He's been a real handful." Dan smirked at me.

"I hate you." I huffed. 

"Sure sure. Keep telling yourself that." Dan shrugged with the smirk still resting on his perfect pink lips. There was a brief pause. "So what about you?" Dan asked and sat down on a park bench to take a break. I joined him, humming in confusion as a reply. "I mean is there anyone you like?" 

I felt my muscles tense but fought hard not to show it. "Um ... yeah sure." I shrugged, trying to appear nonchalant. I glanced at Dan and didn't know what to feel when I saw the surprise on his features. 

"Really?" He asked curiously. "Who?"

"I'm not telling you!" I grumbled. 

"What? You can't just dump that on me and not give me details! At least give me gender!" Dan waffled. I stared at him in surprise. Gender? The fact that he knew I went both ways without asking was a little unsettling but I selectively ignored that fact. I swallowed. 

"It's a he." I mumbled. 

"Do I know him?" Dan asked again.

"You know I really don't want to talk about it Dan." I insisted - almost pleaded. 

Dan sighed but respectfully withdrew. "Fine, fine." He put his arms up in surrender. "But you better invite me to the wedding or I swear to god-"

"DAN!" I spluttered with a red face and he broke down into giggles at my reaction. 

"You're so easy Phil." Dan puffed out. I scowled and tried to stop my glowing cheeks. The thought of Dan and I getting- shit the thought only increased the heat in my face. I really was too easy to manipulate. It was a little worrying but then I remembered Dan probably knew things about me that I probably didn't. In the end I couldn't be mad or upset about it considering it's my fault I can't remember in the first place.

"You're exhausting." I sighed and leaned back against the bench.

"Am I worth it Philly?" He grinned, poking my side. I swatted him away.

"Barely." I grinned and looked up at the clouds. 

"What a shit day." Dan suddenly announced and I frowned over at him. He was quite random sometimes. "I mean just look at the sky. It's been grey all morning. It should appreciate the fact that we actually went outside. God should be throwing a fucking party." Dan explained.

"You're such an odd person." Dan's jaw dropped and he looked mildly offended.

"Like you're one to talk Lester." He replied with narrowed eyes. 

I shrugged. "Touche."

"It'll probably start raining soon." Dan grumbled a moment later. 

"What should we do?" I asked

"Um, we could head back to mine? I've got mario kart?" He offered with a soft smile. God I loved his smile. 

"Sound tempting." I chuckled.

"There's probably some ice cream in the freezer too. Not to mention I could order pizza but y'know we could do something else." Dan shrugged as if to seem indifferent to the decision made. However I could practically see the teasing smile tugging at his lips.

"Again, very tempting." I grinned. 

"Well s'pose that's the only option then." Dan suddenly beamed and jumped up, offering a hand. 

"I suppose." I agreed - unable to stop smiling. Dan had this effect on me. He made me so happy even if I didn't completely know why. "Pizza's pretty hard to turn down as well I guess." I added as we started to head towards the park exit. 

"You've got a point there. Wow Phil you must be Sherlock or something." 

"On second thought maybe I should go home and order my own pizza since it might be difficult sharing my evening with captain obvious." I retorted and Dan flicked me in the shoulder. 

"Hey don't be that way. I was just joking. Come on I'l even make it up to by watching B-" Dan stopped mid sentence and halted in the middle of the path. I turned to him and frowned in confusion. I opened my mouth to ask if he was alright when a third voice interrupted me.

"Phil?"

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	21. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204289261-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-20-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/155207368254/forget-you-20

"Um, hi?" I answered in confusion.

"Hey how you been man? Been a while." The man asked me. I could only stare in confusion. I tried to think about whether I had seen him before. He was a little shorter than me but still tall -around 6 foot. He had dark brown wavy hair and grey eyes. He had a sharp jaw line and slight stubble. He was pretty good looking but he still didn't ring a bell. 

"Um ... I'm sorry but, who are you?" I asked cautiously. I cast a quick glance t Dan and felt my stomach drop when I saw him biting his lip hard and glaring at the ground. I turned back to the man to find a shocked expression. Clearly I was missing something. It made me uneasy as it was an unpredictable encounter that obviously had something to do with past Phil. I could feel the anxiety attack my insides at the thought of this man letting loose details I didn't want to hear. 

"Let's go Phil." Dan all but whispers and I felt stricken. I hadn't heard Dan sound that broken before. I felt a surge of anger for the man's presence who could make Dan feel this way. I was about to agree and take Dan by the arm away from him when he cut in.

"No wait hang on. Come on- it's me. Dave? Dave from the library? We met up like every Saturday?" The man continued - trying to jog my memory. I swallowed in fear, this was going down a dangerous road. Details of past Phil were teetering on the edge. Before I could even attempt to reply, Dan jumped in.

"Fuck off right? He clearly doesn't remember you." Dan snapped - practically seething. I stood cluelessly shocked between both of them. I could practically feel the anger coming off of Dan and I knew something serious as a result of the past had happened. I didn't like it one bit. I didn't like how it somehow revolved around me. I didn't like how it was upsetting Dan.

I especially didn't like how the man's neutral face turned into a sickening grin at the expression on Dan's face. "I see you're still with this pathetic twink." Dave sneered. I gaped in horror at his words and felt anger bubbling inside me at Dan's wet eyelashes. He turned to me with a smirk, holding out a piece of paper and tucking it in my palm. "In case you ever want to get together again." He winked. I shuddered in disgust.

"Let's go Phil." Dan said loudly - his voice on the verge of breaking. I narrowed my eyes at 'Dave' and walked over to Dan, gripping his arm and pulling him with me. I made sure to give a show of choosing Dan over that bastard who clearly upset him. I ignored the man and glanced at Dan who looked to be on the verge of tears. 

After a moment's silence I spoke up. "Are you alright Dan?" I asked softly. Dan suddenly gripped my arm tightly - almost possessively. The touch made my heart beat erratically but I tried to calm it or Dan's sake. 

"I want to go home." He answered shakily. I nodded and without thinking, un-pried Dan's fingers from my arm and put it around his shoulders instead. I pulled him close and felt the hint of a smile on my lips when Dan leaned into my side. Shit my heart was beating so fast. Dan was too adorable and I just wanted to protect him from everything evil. Including fucking Dave. 

We soon arrived at Dan's front door and I was reluctant to let go but he eventually left my embrace to unlock the door. I waited patiently until he was inside and I stopped in the door frame. "I'll call you yeah? We can meet up tomorrow if you want. Just let me know." I offered softly, thinking he'd want to be alone. I gave him a smile and turned to leave.

A hand suddenly grabbed my arm. "Wait!" Dan said in slight panic and I stared at him in surprise. "Um ... please stay?" He asked and I hated how vulnerable he looked. I hadn't seen him look this way since all the bullshit at the start of our rekindling. I swallowed, more than willing to stay for Dan's comfort. 

"Of course." I smiled and followed my best friend inside, closing the door behind me. We both retired to Dan's couch where we found ourselves cuddled up to each other. I hadn't ever seen Dan so needy for contact. Usually he'd make sure there was an acceptable distance between us. However right then it felt like he needed it so I gave it to him. Plus, he was really warm and huggable. 

I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether I should bring up the little incident or not. If I did what would I say? I knew we couldn't talk about it because then it would unearth the questions regarding prePhil. I felt useless - I couldn't comfort Dan who needed it. I couldn't ask what was wrong and it made me feel so selfish. I was hurting Dan. I had hurt Dan. I hated hurting Dan. This stupid amnesia is hurting Dan and I was too selfish to try recover the backstory.

My whirlwind of troubled thoughts was interrupted by Dan's soft voice. "I can't tell you who he was for obvious reasons." He started, gripping me tighter. I also tightened my grip on him - god I just wanted everything to be okay for him. "But ... you shouldn't meet up with him again ... not if you don't want to know anything that happened to you before." 

For some reason Dan's words hurt. The fact that he was thinking of me and my finding out when he was so clearly hurting from something made me feel like the worst kind of person. I couldn't even console my best fucking friend and crush. I felt tears reach my eyes at my uselessness. I wanted to help Dan. I wanted to comfort Dan. I wanted to know what was wrong. I wanted to know. 

A flash of fear shot down my spine at the thought of knowing. However I then remembered the boy in my arms on the verge of a breakdown and felt even worse. Being in the dark was hurting Dan and past me had hurt Dan too much. I needed to stop causing him pain. I hate causing him pain. I can't take it anymore. I needed to know. I needed to know everything. 

I needed to remember. 

For Dan.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	22. Chapter Twenty One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204292748-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-21-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/155490093984/forget-you-21

Dan was asleep. 

I stared at his gorgeous face deep in thought. We had spent the whole evening together watching films and ordering dinner. The only time Dan let go of me was when I went to get the pizza from the delivery boy. Dan quickly latched on after that - not that I minded. In factI secretly loved the close contact. It worried me as well however. I hated seeing him that vulnerable. 

I'm so stupid.

It's all his fault ... no ... it's all my fault. Whoever I was in my past life I can't forgive them for hurting someone as precious as Dan. I grit my teeth and tightened my grip round the sleeping angel in my arms. I needed to know. I needed to know so I could help him. I needed to make an environment that was easy for him to speak his mind. Whatever I did clearly stayed with him and my ignoring it only makes everything harder. 

It's getting too hard to tiptoe round the subject. Things slip easily and I'm constantly nervous and paranoid that the memories are going to jump up on me. I hate that feeling. I think I hate it more than actually remembering although the concept terrifies me. My whole being wanted to fight for Dan an his safety. I wanted his trust so badly but how could he give it to me when I don't even want to admit to what I'd done?

I was just avoiding the blame because the past Phil ... he was me. I just didn't remember. However I was determined to stay this person. The present Phil - because that's the Phil that Dan likes and I won't let whatever he tells me to change who I am now. I like who I am now. And even though the memories may sound like someone else's story I need to shoulder some of the blame and apologise to Dan properly.

I want it to be over. The pain needs to end. I don't want Dan to have to hide his pain for me because I am not that type of person. The old Phil can't control my life anymore. I'm going to meet people like Dave and things will slip in the future unless I face it head on. 

I took in a shaky breath and pecked Dan on the forehead. I needed to talk to Louise. She had been there to support me from the early stages of Phil Lester's new life. She was my only family - the only one I could trust. I carefully untangled myself from Dan's sleeping form an grabbed my things, sneaking out of his apartment. I sent him a text to receive in the morning:

Morning Dan,

Sorry I had to go. Something important came up that I needed to address. I'll tell you about it once I'm done. I hope you feel better and I'm sorry I can't be there when you wake up. I really want to xxx

~

"Phil? Where have you been all night?" Louise grinned as I closed the front door. 

"Um, I stayed at Dan's." I smiled tiredly and joined her in our kitchen. She was brewing coffee. I took a seat and let the comforting smells calm me own.

"You two are too adorable for your own good." She giggled and ruffled my hair whilst passing by. I chuckled and flattened my fringe back into place. "Want some?" She asked. I thought for a moment - coffee would be nice to have to calm me down and wake me up properly. 

"Yeah, that would be nice." I agreed.

"You look like you need some. Everything alright?" He asked, concern beginning to show. I smiled - she didn't miss a trick. That's one of the reasons why I loved her. 

"Actually I have something important to talk to you about." I admitted, feeling the anxiety boil around in my stomach.

"Hm, alright. Let me just finish this here and then we can get into it." Louise replied calmly. I loved how she immediately gouged how important it was to me. She'd had a lot of practice considering I had to be pretty serious a lot of the time thanks to my panic attacks. It wasn't fun to experience and had me thinking some very depressing thoughts that I wanted to avoid. I hated feeling depressed. 

Whenever I got that low a wave of nostalgia washed over me and I hated it. It only added to the miserable life of previous Phil Lester. Phil Lester who was depressed and had done something to one of the most wonderful people I'd ever known. Who'd want to know someone like that? I felt the fear at me again and I found myself hesitating. Who'd want to know that Phil Lester? I want to know the knew Phil Lester whose happy and moving on with their life. That's why I didn't want to know. A fresh start-

But I needed to stop avoiding it. I'll never have a fresh start until I confront the problem. I can't keep running away. I needed to get over depressed Phil to become the new happy Phil. To help Dan. To be someone Dan could trust and talk to again. If he could trust again ...

I needed help from Louise to make my decision absolute. I still wasn't sure if what I was thinking was right and in the end if my cowardly self would prevail and run away. I needed reassurance. "Alright babes. Tell me what's bothering you." Louise smiled encouragingly as we sat down on the sofa, coffees cradled in our hands. 

"Um ..." I took a deep breath. "I-I ... I'm thinking about, well ..." I didn't know how to articulate how I was feeling so tried to find the simplest way of explaining what I wanted. "I need to remember Louise." I blurted out.

Louise looked surprised and stared at me in silence for a while. "Right ... ok. Do you need to or do you want to?" Louise asked seriously. 

I hesitated. I had never really wanted to know who I was. "I-I need to. I just have to for Dan." I found myself saying - as if Dan was justification enough to remember. It was for me anyway.

"Alright sweetie. I can understand why you think that. Especially since you two have become so close. Did something happen?" She asked, clearly seeking for the cause of me changing my mind. 

"Yeah. Dan and I were walking in the park yesterday and met someone. It was someone from my past and he said some things and it really hurt Dan. I hated seeing him so hurt. He didn't let go of me all evening and I want to know why. I want to be someone Dan can trust." I relayed to her. 

"Right." She paused again, taking a sip from her coffee and thinking things through. "As much as I support your bravery for wanting to do this for Dan but ... I think you should consider it for you as well. I know how much Dan means to you but I want you to want to remember for yourself Phil." She said softly. I frowned, what did she mean? I did want to do it for myself didn't I? For myself and Dan that is ... "I'm just saying that if you and Dan don't work out then you're stuck with knowing Phil. Are you sure you want to take the risk or do you want to move on?" She asked in concern. 

I already knew the answer. "Louise I can't move on. I can't move on as long as I'm scared of who I was. I'm aways paranoid that my memories are going to come back and haunt me one day and I don't want to feel that way anymore. It's not just for Dan ... it's for me too." I swallowed as my brian finally caught up with my words. Not knowing was really doing me no favours anymore. Not with how I was living. 

Louise broke into a warm smile. It made me feel safe. "Then I think you're making the right choice. However this is your last chance. Are you sure you don't want to back out? Because if you find yourself wanting to stop when you're confronting Dan then it will only end up hurting both of you." Louise warned.

I breathed in deeply. "I'm positive." I felt as if a weight had been lifted off my shoulders and I smiled happily at Louise. I didn't want to feel burdened by this anxiety any longer. I would satisfy the curiosity and stop all the worrying on my end. Whilst on Dan's end I'll make amends. 

First, there was something I needed to do.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	23. Chapter Twenty Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204294383-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-22-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/155817019324/forget-you-22

I took in a deep breath and tried to calm myself. I couldn't just waltz up to Dan's door without preparing myself first. I sat in my car, fingers tapping the steering wheel. I didn't even realise I was tapping out the beat of 'Figure it out' by Royal Blood. I had been listening to it amongst the other angsty songs on my playlist for all of yesterday.

I hadn't visited Dan's in two days. I had been trying to figure out what to say and how to say it. I knew I didn't need to say much or make too much of a big thing out of it but I wanted things to go as smoothly as possible. It also took me a while to be nearly completely comfortable with the concept of getting all my memories back in some sense. It isn't easy to just accept after avoiding it for so long.

I bit my lip and stopped tapping the wheel - gripping it tightly instead. "You can do this - it's just Dan. I'm doing this for us." It made sense in my mind but my body hadn't completely caught up yet. It was shaking. God I was terrified. I was finally going to know who old Phil was. Someone who had hurt Dan and had left me with lasting panic attacks ... yay.

I took one more deep breath through my nose and exhaled through my mouth before letting go of the steering wheel and turning the engine off. I opened the door and got out - my legs were still shaking. God my body felt heavy and there was a lump in my throat. "Come on, you can do this. Just get to Dan. Everything will be fine."

I hoped Dan wasn't too mad or anxious with me after not seeing him for two days. I had texted him and told him I hadn't been feeling well as well as some other excuses I didn't remember. I just hoped I was convincing enough to at least make him not worry too much. I didn't want to badly affect Dan's mental state in any way anymore. I didn't want to him to be worried or upset or paranoid. I wanted him to feel safe and secure. I wanted him to know I respected him. 

The thought filled me with more determination and prompted me faster up the stairs to Dan's floor. I ran over my lines in my head but they got a little jumbled. I knew I'd forget them as soon as the time came anyway. One of the wonderful qualities of a clumsy guy like me. I saw Dan's door down the hallway and felt a small jolt in my chest. A small blip of panic. Louise's voice rang through my head.

"...this is your last chance. Are you sure you don't want to back out? Because if you find yourself wanting to stop when you're confronting Dan then it will only end up hurting both of you."

I wouldn't. I couldn't hurt Dan like that. God I hated hurting him. I had already established that I hated the idea of not having Dan in my life and couldn't help selfishly keep him there. I wanted to be with Dan whether we ended up being more than friends or not. He just made me so ... happy. I couldn't explain it. He just made my chest glow and my face ache from smiling. I didn't want to stop feeling that. 

I stared at Dan's door. "Now." I knocked. I swallowed and waited - ears straining for any sign of movement on the opposite side of the door. There were a few seconds of hushed silence before I heard the faint thump of footsteps. I internally calmed my racing heart. The thumping finally stopped and there was a click. The door was pulled open to reveal him.

I froze for a moment. Dan was standing there in cute plaid pyjama bottoms accompanied by ruffled hobbit hair and a mickey mouse shirt. I felt myself calm and melt at the sight of it. I looked at him and I no longer felt worried. It was all worth it. I just wanted to be in this beautiful person's life. "Phil?" Dan asked in confusion. 

"Hi." I smiled softly. "I'm sorry, I should have called ahead." I rambled, not really knowing how to start.

"No, no it's fine." He smiled tiredly and opened the door wider. "Do you want to come in?" He asked cautiously. I guess he sensed the odd tension looming around me. 

"Yes please. I have something important to ask you." I explained and his cute eyebrows pinched together for a moment before he nodded and let me inside. We went through to his lounge, taking a seat on the couch. 

"Do you, um, want something to drink?" Dan asked awkwardly and I bit my lip to hide the smile. Dan was adorable when he didn't know what to do. 

"No I'm fine. I just want to talk." Dan nodded but looked worried. He shuffled a little closer.

"Are you alright? I haven't seen you in a couple days and you said you were ill." Dan asked.

"Yeah I'm okay. I wasn't feeling too well - there were some things I had to resolve." I explained further and Dan stayed silent. I could tell Dan's thoughts were going mad. I could practically see them churning in his mind. "Look Dan ... there's no easy way to say this so I'm just going to come out and say it." I started shakily, trying not to let the nerves control my actions. Dan looked a little terrified and I wanted to hug him and reassure him more than anything but I needed to get the damn words out before I lost the courage. "I ... I want to remember." I stuttered.

Silence. Dan looked at me incredulously. Round eyes staring in shock. "What?!" He exclaimed. I flinched a little. 

"I need to know who I was even though I'm a little scared." I continued. 

"Phil no! You should move on. You don't need to know who he was. I know you struggle with the concept who the old Phil. It left you with a bloody mental condition. You shouldn't have to worry about the past when you're completely different to him." Dan started arguing.

"But Dan I am him." I interrupted. "I'm going to meet other people who knew me - for god sake some of my old family may even be looking for me I don't know. All I know is that I can't move on until I know. I don't want to be scared of who I was. I don't want to be paranoid that you or anyone else will accidentally slip up and send me into a heaving mess. I hate it." I took a break to swallow the lump in my throat.

"But Phil. You don't need to take responsibility for what the old Phil did. You're a new person who doesn't have to worry-" I hated how sad he looked. I didn't want him to worry so much. I didn't want him to suffer alone.

"Dan I hurt you." I cut him off and he went silent. "Do you know how that feels? You're one of my favourite people in the whole world and I hurt you. I don't even know how I hurt you but I hate myself for it. You're so important to me and I don't want you to shoulder all the pain by yourself. I want to be reliable. I want you to trust me fully. I want to comfort you and be there for you. I want to know Dan. I need to know what happened between us. I need to know what sins I caused to hurt such a beautiful person." I finished my rant with tears in my eyes. I tried to push them down though. I needed to stay strong for a little while longer. Dan inhaled sharply at my words and a tear or two leaked from his eyes. I wanted so badly to hold him close but I stayed stock still, waiting for his answer.

"I ... I don't want to lose you again." Dan sniffed, another few tears rolling down his cheeks. "I don't want to lose this friendship." My breath hitched at the sight and I couldn't hold myself back anymore. I got up and walked over to him. I wasted no time in gathering him in my arms and hugging him tight. 

"You won't lose me. Shh. You'll never lose me. I just want to be someone who can help and understand you. Someone you can trust fully and rely on. I want to be that person Dan. Please." I stroked the back of his curly head. Dan quietly cried into my shoulder. His hands gripped my back tight and I pulled him tighter to me. We stayed there cuddled up on the couch for a few silent moments before Dan finally lifted his head from my chest and looked at me with watery eyes. 

"You promise you won't leave? That we'll stay friends? You're sure you want to know?" Dan asked and dried his eyes. Again Louise's words flashed in the back of my mind. 

"...your last chance. Are you sure you don't want to back out?"

"Yes, I promise." I said firmly, looking him seriously in the eye. I wanted this for us. For mine and Dan's future. To get rid of this barrier between us.

Dan took a moment to calm down and collect his thoughts. "I ... I didn't want to tell you because ... we used to be best friends and it was a friendship that made my life and broke it at the same time." Dan sounded so small and my heart clenched in response. I swallowed any possible doubt and smiled reassuringly.

"Tell me about it."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymouWriter~


	24. Chapter Twenty Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/204296838-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-23-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/156124275869/forget-you-23

"Tell me about it."

Dan looked up at me through his wet lashes. I could see the reluctance in his stare but I urged him on with my eyes. "Please?" I asked more softly. He sighed and fell back against the sofa, pulling me with him.

"Fine ... but it's your fault if you regret it alright?" Dn grumbled and I smiled fondly. I kissed his hair. 

"Alright." I agreed. Dan collected his thoughts whilst I tried to keep myself calm and not trigger a panic attack. This was it - no need to worry about it anymore.

"We went to the same high school in Manchester. At the time I was living in an abusive environment. Not so much physically but it did happen once. I hated it there and had incredibly low self esteem. With your own family calling you useless and a waste of space on daily basis, it begins to sink in. I believed them ... I didn't have any friends since they all left me for being depressing to be around. I was very lonely and in a very dark place that I don't like to remember. You must have noticed one day because you started talking to me out of no where. You were pretty much liked by everyone. I mean, who couldn't love such a friendly ball of absolute fucking sunshine?" Dan chuckled a little sadly. 

"Anyway, you started hanging around me and always asking if I was ok. I tried to ignore you and brush off any compliments you ever gave me because I didn't believe I was worth shit. However you kept badgering me and eventually I found it quite cute and flattering. Little by little I listened to your kindness and accepted one or two compliments here and there. It was a slow healing process but little by little you were taking me from a dark place. I interacted with you more and we also started to hang out out of school. I started feeling so happy ... it was something I hadn't felt in a long time and I sort of craved it. I kind of attached myself to you and although I felt horrible for being clingy you never seemed to mind. In fact you fucking encouraged it with you spoiling me and shit ... you made me so happy that I started to develop this massive crush on you and I tried desperately hard to hide it. You must be fucking psychic or something though because you figured it out and confronted me about it one night at your place - I never took you to mine because of my family. You teased me a little but you weren't mean and then you kissed me and I felt like I had swallowed butterflies and all this other embarrassing soppy shit." Dan paused and blushed a little. I couldn't help smile happily at the colour. Dan really was so cute, I can understand why I spoilt him. I admit, the thought of us kissing and being in a relationship made my heart flutter but I kept it under control to hear the rest of the story.

"Y-you asked me out the next day and we started relationship until the end of high school. I had felt so accomplished having you there with me as well as some new friends I'd made thanks to you. I went straight to university after that because my parents expected me to become a lawyer like my father. You took a gap year out and started working. You even bought your own little place in Manchester. I hated it there because I found law extremely dull and boring. I pretty much complained every time I saw you but you always listened so patiently and put up with my bullshit. After a while you suggested that I drop out considering how unhappy it made me and after thinking it over I thought I'd tell my parents to go fuck themselves and move in with you. Of course I paid rent as well. We reached our two year anniversary soon after and everything felt pretty fucking perfect. You went to university the next year and got your degree whilst I went in and out of jobs - since we were both interested in literature I usually went for some type of job that included writing." Dan paused to take another breath. I briefly thought about where we were both working now and smiled at the fact that Dan hadn't lost his passion for English and literature. 

"Our relationship went strong for four years. However things started to go downhill on the last year of our relationship." Dan stopped again and swallowed. I also felt the nerves gnawing away because this was the part I'd been waiting for - been dreading. 

"In June of our last year your mother died in a car crash and you were so distraught, as you rightfully would be. I made sure to comfort you the whole time because I hated how much you were hurting. I didn't want you to hurt after bringing me from such a dark place and building my confidence up. It felt unfair that you should suffer after all the good deeds you had done ... Anyway, even though you were still grieving you started to get better. However only three months afterwards your brother caught cancer and died as well. This only made the wounds deeper and I could see the agony on your face. I hated it and I felt powerless to stop it. I tried to comfort you but you spent more time on your own. I didn't mind at the time because I knew you were in shock and needed time to heal. Again, fate dealt the final blow when your father visited you in drunken rage and started yelling abuse about how much better your brother was and how you'd never live up to how great he was. It was horrible!" Dan's hands clenched and I was rigid where I sat. I clenched my teeth and tried to focus on the rest of the story as well as calming my breathing.

"Come on Phil. Stay cool, he doesn't look finished. You need to hear the whole story. No panic attacks. Do not bail on Dan. DO NOT BAIL ON DAN!"

"Y-you were pretty broken after that. I didn't know if there was any way to repair you. I tried to be there for you and give you space at the same time. I just didn't know how to help and I felt so mad with myself. Then you started pushing me away, not accepting any of my comfort at all. I think what you're father said had got into your brain and changed the way you thought. You weren't acting like yourself at all. I tried to explain that I loved you and that I was there for you but you kept telling me you weren't good enough for me or ... anyone. It made me so sad considering you had been my best friend, boyfriend and fucking hero and I couldn't do anything to stop you hurting. I kept trying to convince you that I was staying but then you tried switching to a new tactic by ... by trying to ... hurt me ..." Dan trailed off and my blood ran cold.

"No!"

"You started hanging out with some old uni friends as well as friends I'd never met before. You hardly paid any attention to me and were with them a-all the time. I later found out that you had slept with a few of them and you didn't deny it. In fact you didn't seem to care at all ... Even though you hurt me badly I still had hope that the old you would come back to me since the new persona was nothing like the Phil I'd known in high school. I wanted to fight for us. I told you I was hurt and argued with you a lot but every time I tried to get you to come back to me. I still tried to comfort you. However you continued to hurt me ... th-that guy we met at the park two days ago ... he was one of my friends in high school and when he met you again in our local library you started seeing him as well. Well ... more like fucking him behind my back because he knew we were still together." Dan spat out every word and I could feel myself shrinking. I felt so horrible. I stared in horror at the tears rolling down Dan's cheek and felt protectiveness flood through me. I cautiously reached out and cupped his cheek, brushing my finger over the tear tracks and wiping them away. Dan closed his eyes, leaning into the touch. He seemed to calm down a little and I felt only slightly better that he somehow still wanted my company. He let out a shaky breath before continuing.

"W-when I found out about Dave I felt so betrayed and started to lose hope. I blew up at you and threatened to leave you. I said lots of other hurtful things that I didn't mean to let out - that I didn't really mean. You seemed to get more angry as I kept yelling at you until you finally snapped and told me you didn't love me and ... punched me ... it was only once for a brief second but ... but ... I felt completely shattered! I had forgiven you for everyone you'd slept with even though you didn't deserve it even if you'd been hurt. The abuse was the final straw. I packed my necessities and left that night. I never spoke to you again once even when you sometimes called me over the pat three years ... I hated you so much. I was so angry that you had let yourself become someone like me parents - someone who abused me. You were the one who brought my life together and broke it again. It's taken me this long to just be confident in myself again and work this job I love ..." Dan stopped and choked on a sob.

I stared at Dan in horror - feeling like the absolute worst person in the world.

"Dan ..." I started, feeling my own tears roll down my cheeks.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~


	25. Chapter Twenty Four

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Wattpad: https://www.wattpad.com/361654749-forget-you-phan-~-chapter-24-~  
> Tumblr: http://helloanonymouswriter.tumblr.com/post/156448817474/forget-you-24

"Dan ..." I started, feeling my own tears roll down my cheeks. No wonder he hated me so much. I had done such horrendous things. I honestly didn't think they'd be that bad. I could feel the need for the ground to swallow me up. I felt my breath get faster and the need to explode over took every vein in my body. I really didn't want to be there. I wanted to float in white space and not exist. I didn't want to learn I could be so cruel. 

I closed my eyes, letting the tears fall whilst trying to recover my senses. I took in deep breaths to stop the shaking and the breathing. I needed to get a clear head. Dan was hurt. Luckily I didn't feel any memories come rushing back to me; the words almost felt like a story. A story of such a bastard. I swallowed, knowing I couldn't detach myself from the old Phil anymore. He was me - I just couldn't remember that time. I focused on the boy beside me. He looked terrified for some reason and I had a horrible feeling in my stomach. Oh please don't say revisiting all that has re-opened his wounds - don't tell me he's afraid of me again. I felt the need to apologise. I had to apologise.

"D-dan I'm so so so sorry! I'm so sincerely sorry!" I found myself fumbling about for the right words. I didn't know how to convey just how sincerely sorry I was. I swallowed as his doe eyes connected with mine. He was so beautiful. I let out a breath. "Dan ... there's something you should know." I added, feeling my hands tremble with the weight of the situation. Dan looked cautious. It looked like he hadn't completely connected back with reality - as if he was still stuck in the past. Old memories were gripping his shoulder and he was too scared to shrug them off. 

However he listened tentatively for what I had to say. "Um ... yesterday I went to see the doctor for a checkup ... I've been scared to go for years. I was terrified that if they told me I had a chance of remembering I'd break down. But ... I took some tests and had a chat with the doctor. They said it's highly unlikely that my memories won't come back. They're almost certain. Although I felt relieved at the time I can't help but feel like I've betrayed you. I'm sorry I can't remember everything properly. I wish I could so my apology would mean more - be worth more. I'm sorry. So sorry!" I choked on a sob and finally tore my gaze from Dan. I felt too guilty looking at his perfect face. God how could he have put up with me? 

I jumped when I felt Dan's hand slide into mine - intertwining our fingers. I hesitated but slowly turned to meet his gaze once again, feeling tingles in my fingers. He smiled sadly at me before lifting my hand up and kissing my knuckles. I swallowed the lump in my throat and smiled softly at him. He was so cute. He made me so happy. God I don't want to lose him. 

"I'm sorry the old Phil did that to you. I promise I'll take responsibility for his actions if I have to but ... I just want to tell you ..." I paused, squeezing Dan's hand. "My name is Phil Lester and I've been conscious on this earth for one year. I'm an orphan with a best friend called Louise who is the closest thing I have to a sister. I didn't know my parents. I'm 25 years old and I love Buffy, Muse, lions, anime and cats. My closest friend is Dan Howell and I think he's so fucking cute that I can't handle it sometimes. He's perfect in every way and has a tainted soul that I wish I could wipe clean because it's my fault it's that way in the first place. I know you can never fully trust me as long as I have his face so ... if you want I'll leave. I won't bother you anymore, I won't haunt you." I finished, feeling sadness wash over my being. 

Dan suddenly started sobbing again and I froze. I didn't upset him more did I? Shit. I tensed when he suddenly looked up at me with wide eyes. "I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE AGAIN!" He wailed. I stared in complete surprise. "I-I've been so h-happy the last few months with you. I had the old Phil back - the one I fell in love with. I have wanted him back for years. Now he is - now you are but you're better. You're better - slightly different, slightly damaged; completely perfect. I fell for you all over again and hard. Despite everything that happened I just can't not love you Phil. I care too much about you and I just so ... so happy some version of you is back in my life. I know you're not the old Phil but I've fallen for the new one much harder. You care so much - how the fuck do I resist that?" Dan chuckled sadly to himself. 

I swallowed, feeling a warmth hug my tummy. His words made me feel so incredibly happy and warm. Dan made me so incredibly happy. I didn't want to let him go. At the same time I wanted to let him go so he could taste freedom - freedom from being anchored to me all his life. He needed to evolve didn't he? He needed to live a life not dependent on me. I loved him. He loved me. However the relationship had a threat of poison. I didn't want to ruin him again. Never again. "You make me so happy and even though I might make you happy too, shouldn't you forget me? Shouldn't you forget someone who's brought you so much pain? I don't want you to suffer any longer, you don't fucking deserve it." I found myself sighing, taking his other hand. I stroked over his knuckles, savouring the feeling of skin on mine as I waited for his answer.

"Phil." Dan said firmly and I looked him straight in the eye. Dan's eyes were sincere and full of emotion. It was hard to pick apart but I would have happily spent all day deciphering his gorgeous eyes if I could. I gave him my undivided attention. "I forgive you ok? I forgive you, I forgive the old you, I forgive the new you. I forgive all of you. I want all of you. I'm happy you with all of you. I'm in love with all of you. I trust you. Please don't go. I want you - I want you to stay ... with me." Dan blushed anxiously, hands gripping mine tightly in anticipation. 

Well fuck me, how was I supposed to say no?

"Ok." I found myself whispering before we were grinning brightly at each other. Dan then leapt forward and connected his lips with mine. I felt a rush of endorphins as I finally kissed his perfect lips. I savoured every touch, every motion. I savoured him because he was mine and I was his and everything was super cliche and cheesy but I loved it. When breath was scarce we pulled apart, grins making our cheeks ache. 

"You know ..." Dan mumbled, pecking my lips. "If the thing with your family never happened I bet we'd be together right now. I never un-fell for you Phil. I may have convinced myself that I had but I didn't. You were always the most absolutely perfect person for me." Dan beamed, blushing a little in embarrassment. I giggled and softly brushed over his hot cheek, poking his dimple on the way. He was so beautiful. "I love you."

"I love you too." I replied without hesitation. We kissed again, lips locked lovingly. I felt the best I'd ever felt. Everything was in the past - the slate was wiped clean. I had a second chance. A new chance for the perfect life with the perfect man. 

"I promise to never forget you again."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

~HelloAnonymousWriter~

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE END.  
> I hope you guys enjoyed it, I had a ton of fun writing it for you. It's one of my more serious pieces that I've spent a bit more time and detail on so I hope you liked it. Love you guys, 
> 
> ~HelloAnonymousWriter~


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